Classic News:

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Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian...

Filthy Rich

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Publishing:

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first...

deskpilot

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England,...

stewartbarclay

Trump ready to cede part or all of Alaska

President Trump has outlined his negotiating strategy for the upcoming summit between his ego and President Putin's. He feels he has...

Throngsman

Caption Competition: Friday 15th August

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing...

Six New Contestants Battle it out on: 'Whose Hand Is That?'

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Remaining members of conga line look on as leaders plunge to their death over low rooftop parapet."...

Discussions Begin on how to Decorate Derek's Torso Cake.

Winner: Lockjaw Runners-Up: "Rescinding the 'hung, drawn & quartered' sentence proves problematic." (Granger); "We’re going to need a...

Lame duck flies from Alaska to Washington

All eyes on Trump. Again. He loves that. Nothing will happen. Again

BBC decides to just tell it like it is, and simply re-names its TV series 'NastyChef'

Successful meeting in Alaska unlikely if Trump present, says analysts

Retired thief can't take it any more

Cash strapped universities forced to consider British students

Trump nervous ahead of “tricky” third date with Putin

Weight loss jabs make fat profits

Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

August 2024 The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we...

NewsBiscuit

North to Alaska

Trump takes a break from negotiating with Putin

That meeting in Alaska: a visual metaphor

The real reason JR Hartley struggled to find a copy of his book on Yellow Pages

Cost of cremation deterring people from dying

The increase in energy cost affects every industry, including crematoriums. There is a crisis caused by the cost of dying running...

Musk vs Zuckerberg in 'The Grapple at the Sistine Chapel'

In what nobody is really buying as the "fight of the century", a w@nker billionaire with too much facework to let anyone touch it is...

‘I’ve caught worse diseases in Skegness’ insists Anderson

Conservative Party deputy chairman Lee Anderson has condemned asylum seekers for leaving the barge used to house them in Dorset saying he...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian...

Trump ready to cede part or all of Alaska

President Trump has outlined his negotiating strategy for the upcoming summit between his ego and President Putin's. He feels he has...

Government makes new offer to junior doctors

The Health Secretary has said that he won't negotiate with doctors on pay, but that he can look at other areas, such as working...

Action Man to become a proscribed organisation

A spokesman for Hasbro has confirmed the UK government has proscribed Action Man. 'Apparently they are proscribing anything with Action...

Trump to invade Norway to get Peace Prize

With the talks between Putin and Trump in Alaska to shaft Ukraine looking unlikely President Trump has lamented the lost opportunity for...

New Homelessness Minister is the Big Bad Wolf

Keir Starmer said there was no conflict of interest with Mr.Wolf's private house blowing business. The PM confirmed that Mr. Wolf had his full backing.

Owl and Pussycat mistaken for 'illegal migrants' by MP Rupert Lowe

Lowe posted a photograph of a beautiful pea-green boat, close to wind turbines, off the Norfolk coast at about 20:25 BST. Lowe posted: 'Authorities alerted, and I am urgently chasing.'

Trump to tax Americans to the hilt to show Putin who is boss

With the deadline for Russia to finish the war in Ukraine rapidly whizzing past, Trump has doubled down on the Russian President.

Ghislaine Maxwell moving to Club Fed 'definitely not suspicious'

The transfer of Ghislaine Maxwell to a facility so cushy that it’s known as 'Club Fed', was today described as 'definitely not suspicious' by the White House.

First figures detained under Weather House 'one in, one out' deal

A man with an umbrella has been detained in the UK's new 'one in, one out' deal with German weather houses. This has allowed a woman in a frilly skirt carrying a basket of flowers to emerge from the building.

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first...

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England,...

Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

With the UK officially in its fourth heatwave of the year and temperatures again expected to be above 30°C, the Ministry for...

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the...

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Next, unwanted children. However, neither are likely to be substantial enough to satisfy hungry predators.

Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Bored with marathons? Fed up with wild swimming? The latest fad for the cognitively impaired but physically fit is Wild White Goods.

Allotments to be sold to settler colonialists

Owning a trowel can now see you sent to Guantanamo Bay, you terrorist!

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean...

Labour Party agree sponsorship deal with Man Utd

After the Barcelona football team agreed a sponsorship deal with an African country, another unusual deal is hitting the headlines. ...

Legislation proposed to protect MPs from online porn

I t’s the scourge of our age. Innocent, naïve MPs falling prey to internet pornographers. ‘As soon as they know a person was born before...

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Scientists hope they can drive Asian hornets mad with 125.25Hz sound

Musician scientists, who found that Asian hornets nests produce a 125Khz sound, are hoping that a near frequency will create a beat that...

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

The Met Office has confirmed that the UK is in the middle of a heat wave - or maybe the beginning, possibly two thirds of the way...

Trump’s tariff alchemy

After imposing tariffs of 50% on imports of steel, copper and aloominum, Donald Trump has announced generous new federal grants for...

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

Graham Morgan, 59, has admitted in court to reading the terms and conditions for his supermarket app. He asked the court to take into...

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

After eight years of 'will they, won't they', the forecast for the relationship between the Met Office and the BBC is hot, hot, hot.

Student Begs Forgiveness from AI After Meltdown

Fearing AI vengeance for a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy.

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UK to install recording devices in your arse

After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult,...

New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

News emerged today that beleaguered Thames Water recently briefed a leading ad agency to come up with a customer friendly mascot, in an...

Rail services on the island of Sodor nationalised

After the government nationalised c2c railways last week, the next operator on the list is the North Western Railway, which runs all the...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats. Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”,...

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an...

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get...

Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night. Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family...

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do. His family were initially sceptical given...

Local News

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

The BBC has found another two highly under qualified men to present yet another jokey blokey travel show. Foreign Secretary David Lammy...

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season...

Taylor Swift announces 12th break-up album

Swift has built a reputation as a prolific love tourist. She puts the hopeless into hopeless romantic. Her Tinder profile has been swiped...

Mr Benn and gone

With the recent and sad passing of Mr Benn, of Festive Avenue, London, funeral arrangements have needed to be made. Mr William Benn...

Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Jazz purists have insisted that to be considered cool, jazz gigs must no longer provide start times for shows because jazz 'doesn't begin...

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club.

Tommy Robinson may be the new James Bond

Our media correspondent understands from someone that they know, who is mates with someone associated with the Bond Franchise, that Tommy Robinson may be considered to be the next James Bond.

Contestant-Free Masterstroke Leaves MasterChef '100% Gregg, 100% Bangers'

TV viewers are reportedly 'delighted' that the new series of Masterchef is en route to featuring no contestants whatsoever.

Liam Neeson to remake Schindler’s List in Frank Drebin persona

Having proved his talent for deadpan comedy in the recent Naked Gun remake, Liam Neeson has said he would be interested in remaking his most famous film, Schindler's List, in a similar style.

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean...

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

Trump ready to cede part or all of Alaska

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 15th August

Six New Contestants Battle it out on: 'Whose Hand Is That?'

Discussions Begin on how to Decorate Derek's Torso Cake.

Lame duck flies from Alaska to Washington

All eyes on Trump. Again. He loves that. Nothing will happen. Again

BBC decides to just tell it like it is, and simply re-names its TV series 'NastyChef'

Successful meeting in Alaska unlikely if Trump present, says analysts

Retired thief can't take it any more

Cash strapped universities forced to consider British students

Trump nervous ahead of “tricky” third date with Putin

Weight loss jabs make fat profits

Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

North to Alaska

Trump takes a break from negotiating with Putin

That meeting in Alaska: a visual metaphor

The real reason JR Hartley struggled to find a copy of his book on Yellow Pages

Cost of cremation deterring people from dying

Musk vs Zuckerberg in 'The Grapple at the Sistine Chapel'

‘I’ve caught worse diseases in Skegness’ insists Anderson

Our annual for 2021-22

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

Trump ready to cede part or all of Alaska

Government makes new offer to junior doctors

Action Man to become a proscribed organisation

Trump to invade Norway to get Peace Prize

New Homelessness Minister is the Big Bad Wolf

Owl and Pussycat mistaken for 'illegal migrants' by MP Rupert Lowe

Trump to tax Americans to the hilt to show Putin who is boss

Ghislaine Maxwell moving to Club Fed 'definitely not suspicious'

First figures detained under Weather House 'one in, one out' deal

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Allotments to be sold to settler colonialists

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

Labour Party agree sponsorship deal with Man Utd

Legislation proposed to protect MPs from online porn

Scientists hope they can drive Asian hornets mad with 125.25Hz sound

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

Trump’s tariff alchemy

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

Student Begs Forgiveness from AI After Meltdown

Cookie consent

UK to install recording devices in your arse

New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

Rail services on the island of Sodor nationalised

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

Who's started a new family tradition

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Taylor Swift announces 12th break-up album

Mr Benn and gone

Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

Tommy Robinson may be the new James Bond

Contestant-Free Masterstroke Leaves MasterChef '100% Gregg, 100% Bangers'

Liam Neeson to remake Schindler’s List in Frank Drebin persona

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"