Delighted with the popularity of the links he made between “welfare lifestyle” and multiple murders, George Osborne has called for more people on benefits to kill each other. “Not only does this highlight the connection between welfare and violent crime, it also diminishes the number of people actually claiming benefit,” the Chancellor told reporters. “I’m not advocating the murder of or by hard working families who pay their taxes. But those on sickness benefit, for example, should have their capacity to kill measured properly. And even those with physical disabilities could, say, handle a bit of poisoning, or push someone under a train on one of the new wheelchair friendly stations created by new money we have put into public transport.”
“Claimants should be prepared to murder, and if their tragic multiple victims are also on benefits, then we have a win-win situation, numerically and politically. We’re not criminalising poverty, as some have claimed. We want to eradicate it, by encouraging those on benefits to look for a way out of dependency that sets an example ”
“All too often we find claimants simply sitting at home not bothering to murder each other,” argued Ian Duncan Smith. “Perhaps the cuts in benefit will have an effect and some of these people will as a result murder each other in order to make the best of scarce resources. Competition must play its part. That is the Conservative way. You only have to look at the actions of Boris Johnson, who, as the normally left wing Eddie Mair pointed out, was all too happy to help someone break a rival’s ribs in the spirit of free enterprise.”
Job centres round the country have now been given secret targets related to client anger management. The aim, according to the Department of Work and Pensions is to increase claimants’ anger to such a pitch they’re more likely to kill each other.
“With the warm weather just around the corner, we’re encouraging the old outdoor dole queue” said one Job Centre manager. “For us, the ideal scenario is a crazed claimant mowing down a line of spongers in an uninsured used Transit van we just bought, at a surprisingly low cost. We’re keeping that one quiet, though. “