An influential Daily Mail article by AN Wilson declaring child murderer Mick Philpott to be “pure evil born out of welfare dependency” has encouraged the government to bring forward drastic new measures to protect us from those who have been radicalised by the welfare state.
David Cameron and George Osborne spent this morning jointly restarting a decommissioned over-reactor in Basildon. Meanwhile, work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has formed Kristallnacht-style strike squads to undertake night-time raids on council tenants suspected of becoming evil through over-exposure to the pernicious effects of dole cheque addiction.
‘We’re starting with the high-risk targets,’ said IDS. ‘This will include anyone who has either a) a snooker table, b) more than one television, c) a spare room for visitors, or d) has a growing urge to murder their own children directly proportionate to the amount they receive in state benefits.
‘We’ve been looking too far afield, in places like Iran and Afghanistan’ he continued, ‘when they’ve been right here all the time. As of next week, we shall be recalling our troops from abroad and mobilising them throughout the council estates of Britain.’
Professor of social sciences at the University of Sussex, John Wentworth, has suggested that this may present the government with a tricky moral dilemma. ‘You see, many of the troops we honour and respect as defenders of the realm actually come from the same council estates that we’ve come to know and hate. The truth is that one of the only alternatives to long-term unemployment and poverty is going off and getting killed for your country.’
Chancellor George Osborne, sporting his new mockney accent, said: ‘He’s a prick for sayin’ that, an’ ’e can kiss goodbye to ’is research grant. Gawd bless the ’ardworking people of Briddan.’
‘We are asking for full public support on this,’ said home secretary Theresa May. ‘If you know of anyone who may be stockpiling their £53 a week to build an evil empire, please inform the police. Be vigilant about what may seem like innocent purchases. Four 2-litre bottles of Asda cola and a bottle of Just For Men is a potential bomb. And frequent purchases of new white trainers almost certainly points to a child murderer training camp.’