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NEAT-O STUMP

(9 posts) (7 voices)

Started 3 years ago by theumpire
Latest reply from simonjmr

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theumpire

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Please, pretty please all you competition enterers - can you submit the STUMP entries here. Else your umpire will have to trawl the entire website searching for your works; while that may indeed be a delectable opportunity, it might delay the judging by some weeks.

If you have already submitted your masterpiece, would you mind adding a repeat here?

I shall be eternally grateful.

Now, I must get back to the gorgonzola gussets if I am to keep up with the demand which has rocketed in the last 6 days. Recession - what recession?

Posted 3 years ago #
Scroat

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England’s Ashes hopes dashed by MCC sex scandal

One down in the series, England needed to win the final test match at Lords to retain the Ashes. But now a sex scandal has hit the otherwise straight-laced world of test cricket, and the match has been abandoned.

MCC Chairman’s wife Samantha Legover-Wickett was unavailable for comment yesterday after allegations that she pleasured herself with a match stump in the Members’ Room before the vital final test. However in a statement she maintained that the incident was easily explained. “I was carrying the stump when I tripped on a piece of loose carpeting in a side room and it happened to slip between my legs.”

This explanation would have been accepted and the incident forgotten, had it not been for the fact that Mrs. Legover-Wickett was carrying a stump with a built-in camera for television coverage purposes. The unfortunate “accident” was captured by a Sky Sports production team as they were testing video links before the match was due to begin. A junior member of the production team was treated for shock at the scene. It is believed that DVDs carrying the footage are already available, and it has also been circulated via the Internet.

Posted 3 years ago #
edward hack

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'Bonce on the beach' murderer wins appeal
Man convicted of murdering an Ayrshire teenager in 1999 whos arms and legs were hacked off leaving just a stump had his sentenced quashed in the high court earlier today.
Although the teenagers mutilated torso was found in Loch Lomond and his head washed up on the beach near Troon he was still complaining of being bored while at the same time texting his mates telling them what an 'awesome' time he was having.
The judge ruled this was reason enough (to kill the teenager) and it was a pity there were not more concerned citizens like him prepared to make a stance

Posted 3 years ago #
Mrblacker

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Overly physical stumping threatens Anglo-Australian relations

An aggresive stumping in a grade cricket match in New South Wales is threatening to disrupt relations between the ACB and the ECB.

Ian Fletcher, a 27 year old batsman with the Birmingham League side Moseley had his testicles removed when Dubbo wicketkeeper Roger Danson stumped him in a match against local rivals Rugby.

Fletcher, batting at number 3, was on 54 when he was deceived by a fizzing leg break from Dubbo's Steve McQuarrie and Danson acted quickly to stump the english player.

However, it's alleged Danson was too aggresive, by not only removing Flecther's bails, but also his testicles and a large portion of his middle stump.

Andy Rayne from the ACB said complaints over Danson's attitude on the pitch in the overs preceding the incident are unfounded. "He's a good grade player and plays a hard game. If the pom can't handle it, that's his hard luck."

But the outgoing head of the ECB, Giles Clark, said the Australians are taking the game too seriously.

"It's a really unfortunate incident and the Australian attitude is unacceptable. Cricket has never been a contact sport. Unless you count the post-match horseplay and bottling chains in the showers."

Posted 3 years ago #
virtuallywill

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Stump to reform

Irish indie rock legends Stump are to reform later this month.
Emily Eavis has already said they can have a Saturday night slot on the main stage at Glastonbury and record label Ensign have re-released "Charlton Heston" on iTunes and as an illegal download.
Global success eluded Stump as their fan-base grew more selective, though fans knew that a band from Cork would rise again.
Lead singer Mick Lynch is hopeful that "Charlton Heston" could climb higher that 72 in the charts, which was the original high in 1988.
The recent success is due to being a featured question on BBC4 series "Only Connect" in the what is the answer to the words with the vowels removed, in the "failed indie bands round". Geeks from Tavistock and Elderly bikers from Thurso failed to recognise STMP.

Posted 3 years ago #
theumpire

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Pirates of the Caribbean

Jim Hawkins couldn’t find an empty apple barrel to hide in, so he crouched down behind the remains of an old palm tree to watch the three pirates as they crouched in the soft white sand.

Cap’n Morgan: “If we are to beat the British Navy, we must combine our efforts and our defences. What say you, Cap’n Silver?”

Cap’n Silver: “Aye, Aye, Cap’n Morgan – they prove more and more difficult every week. Our Pirates Cooperative is our only chance, lad, if we are not to become a dying breed.”

Cap’n Morgan: “Are you with us, Cap’n Hook?” Will you throw your, er, your er, your hook in with us?”

Cap’n Hook: “Can you insure me against that crocodile?”

Cap’n Morgan: “Of course we can - as long as you keep paying your subscription to the cooperative. Think of it as an insurance premium.”

Cap’n Hook: “But I can’t afford it. Those lost boys cost me a king’s ransom in food bills.”

Cap’n Silver: “Morgan has paid and so have I. Come on, Hook. Stump up!”

{Alright - I won't judge this entry; just wrote it for fun.)

Posted 3 years ago #
simonjmr

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Sylvester
Tickles
Umpteen
Male
Prostitutes

Posted 3 years ago #
exigo

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Catholic Church denies going for the populist vote after ISIHAC host is beatified to become St 'Ump.

Posted 3 years ago #
simonjmr

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System
To
Usually
Manage
Prosthetics

Posted 3 years ago #

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