Home Office websites crashed after thousands of parents registered to have their children deported to Afghanistan.
"I've got to get my name down," said a London-based novelist, the mother of three teenagers, as she set up camp outside the offices in Whitehall. "They're only deporting twelve minors a month - how on earth will they meet demand?"
Pale and exhausted Home Office staff left the building after hours of enforced overtime. "I have had parents screaming at me all day," said one civil servant. "I've been offered sweets, CDs and sexual favours by desperate fathers. This is the most popular Government initiative I've ever seen - especially amongst those with children in the 12-16 years age bracket. It makes the £150 marriage bonus look a bit pathetic, really."
A spokesman for President Hamid Karzai said, "Is there no end to our country's suffering? We don't want British children! We've been sending our own teenagers to you. The Youth of Today is totally out of control; flying kites, refusing to grow beards, reading. We stick them on a plane heading to Heathrow, sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet. It's been lovely."
The immigration minister, Damian Green, said tonight: "No one should be encouraging children to make dangerous journeys across the world. Which is why our planes will be thoroughly checked before take off, with First Aid-trained cabin crew and a fully organic food and drink policy."