Experts investigating the Turin Shroud have finally resorted to asking Jesus Himself, who has been making an appearance on the jacket of a potato in Genoa. And his reply is unequivocal. Speaking in a Radio 4 Thought For The Day accent, He said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in something like that. People think that because I hung out with the poor and the downtrodden that I mustn't have cared about my appearance. But all they have to do is look at me in those Italian School paintings to see how fashion conscious I was - top quality fabrics, colour co-ordination just so..." He described the controversial relic as "the sort of cheap sweatshop import that a money changer's wife might throw on before dropping the kids off at school - just look how the colours have run".
He is also incredulous that anyone could think the facial imprint on the cloth is his, and draws attention to his smooth and chiseled features as depicted in Renaissance art. "Honestly, that looks more like a morgue picture of some rock star who succumbed to a ten-day drugs binge than the Son of God".
The religious world is shaken by this unexpectedly fierce denunciation from the Messiah, who stopped short of taking legal action for the misrepresentation, although he did hint darkly at making use of his "family connections" to put a stop to it.