Apparently Polish is now Britain's second language. There are several Polish shops in my town. On the front of each shop is written 'Polish Shop'.
So I went in and asked for a tin of polish. For my shoes, I said. And another one for the table. You know. Polish. I want to shine things up.
The man in the shop looked bemused and spoke in foreign.
'This is a polish shop. Sell me some polish, then.' I rapped my walking stick on the counter.
The man said I was being racist. I picked the man up, took him to the customer toilet and wedged him in.
The man's mate had to call a Polish plumber to get him out. As the first man squatted there with his arm trapped in the s-bend I covered his face with boot polish. Yes, I had brought some with me anticipating they wouldn't sell any. This is called thinking ahead.
When the Polish plumber finally arrived he refused to touch the trapped man because he 'didn't like blacks.'
'So who's the racist now?' I said.