Ann Summers have been forced to recall thousands of Rampant Rabbits following an outbreak of myxomatosis. This comes just weeks after the disease forced the quarantine of a Playboy Bunny.
‘We advise all of our customers who have brought the product in the last 2 months to return it to your nearest store’ A spokesman for the high street chain told us. ‘However we politely request that if you have let your rabbit ‘out of it’s cage’ recently then please give him a wash before handing it back’.
There has been some criticism from consumer groups suggesting that asking women to bring back an object this personal may be causing embarrassment. One customer from Leeds told us ‘I appreciate them trying to make the returns process as discrete as possible, but having a separate ‘Dildo Return’ queue doesn’t help.’
Her husband however was a little more sympathetic. ‘I found her not-so-Rampant Rabbit lying in the draw, motionless. As I picked the little fella up, he started shaking uncontrollably. I knew straight away that wasn’t right, so we took him back to the store’. When asked about a replacement ‘pet’ for his wife, he explained ‘I don’t think we’ll bother. She is still testing the claims of the Duracell Bunny that he goes on and on.’
This is not the first time an object has taken the traits of it’s namesake. A 13 year old was left with serious injuries after her feet were attacked by her Crocs. In Newbury, one family had an heirloom ‘put down’ after a bout of suspected depression left their toy horse rocking in the corner, and in the worst case, the funeral will take place this week of a man who was mauled by a pack of Monster Munch.
The Government have been quick to come out and blame everyone else for the outbreaks. The Prime Minister, David Cameron, pointed out at a press conference that this all started under Labour. ‘The first recorded case of something named after an animal having problems was during Harold Wilson's tenure in 1969. Photographic evidence still exists of a Zebra crossing being infested with Beatles.’