As is now well know the new pope is an Argie who openly opposes the 'colonisation' of the Falklands. What is less well known is that he is named after St Francis of Assisi, which is Italian for 'St Francis is a sissy.'
It now emerges that he has joined forces with the perfidious Ms de Kirchner in a bid to steal the 'Malvinas' while we are looking the other way, and while our navy has been reduced to one leaky pleasure boat on the river Thames.
But wake up and smell the hypocrisy! Those Argies are mainly descendants of Imperial Spaniards who stole land and treasure from the indos in the first place! How dare they accuse us of imperial thievery?
Unfortunately with the Pope on the their side once again they have the 'hand of God' to help them cheat the English defence. They have even given a coked-up Maradonna a machine gun. He will lead their invasion troops Rambo-style, sources declare.
But rest assured the islands will be stoutly defended. I have it on good authority that the locals have ordered t-shirts for themselves which read:
KEEP THE FALKLANDS FOR HER MAJ! KICK THE ARGIES IN THE VAG!
These shirts are endorsed by the queen herself, although my sources have yet to declare which queen. It has been rumoured that 'her Maj' may in fact refer to Madonna, who has expressed interest in the islands as a holiday home.
Nonetheless the sentiment shows the correct fighting spirit.
WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES! WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER, ETC!
Love and kisses,
Col. Dickshot (rtrd)