Have a look at this and see what you think
(150 posts) (41 voices)
Wayland, Do you need any writers?
Nope - they are full of talent apparently, by a long chalk.
Not after any writers at the moment, but I'm short of sycophants. If anyone wants to make me tea or rub my luxuriantly hairy shoulders, my fees are quite reasonable.
Al, in the nicest possible way, get over it. They don't want/need any new writers. Instead of PMing me and no doubt others stirring, just accept it. News biscuit is an open forum, newsthump isn't. Have you comlained to them. I like writing articles but I dont expect the BBC to let me write on their website!
They have made the position clear and good luck to them. It is their site, and it is a pretty good one to
Did you mean to type "my feet are quite reasonable"?
Thanks Bourbon - I really should get out more.
And good luck all at EH. AO
We should start a splinter site, maybe The Morning Harold?
Now it's had time to settle in, It reminds me of Jethro Tull's 1974 album 'thick as a brick,' the sleeve of which had a spoof newspaper attached - the 'St.Cleve chronicle.' That was quite funny.
I guess humorous pampleteering has been going on since Gutenburg. Imagine a group of waggish gents in doublet & hose, gathering at 'Ye Olde Cock' to quaff small beer and make ribald remarks about the recent death of Mary Queen of Scots and agreeing to publish the best of their japes under the pseudonym 'anon,' for fear of hanging. I wonder if Al's ancestor was there?
Didn't there used to be a slightly left-wing national newspaper called the Daily Harold?
Most of us are not old enough to understand the reference, Titus. Except me dammit.
Tsk. Kids of today. No appreciation of their cultural heritage.
Sigmund: it was '72. Charted the same week as Harvest Gold, and coincided with the birth of a little 'smithy.
I have always wondered why this particular beer with your pork pie?
BJ - 4.4%? Is it for girls?
This phoney war is leaving us nowhere - we have to move to a full scale attack on all fronts. At the moment these 'Haroldists' seem to want to have their cake and eat it. Having spoken to High Command (JOF) today he would like us to initiate an all out attack including WOMD.
'Writer of the Month Delegates'?
I did notice that The Evening Harold appeared to be missing that staple of local news sites, namely a horoscope. I resolved to help rectify this glaring omission by drafting the following on the train last week (for ‘resolved’ read extremely bored, due to severe delays due to a signalling failure at Clapham Junction).
However, not having read the small print, I was completely unaware of the Harold submission embargo and resultant escalation in NB/Harold hostilities. I have no desire to exacerbate what is already a delicate situation - but just like the DPRK with their missiles - have merely decided to mobilize and site this impotent drivel here in this thread. It’s entirely up to you how you choose to interpret this move, but before you decide upon taking retaliatory action, I feel it my duty to warn you that I have plenty more where this came from!
Aries, March 21- April 20
Lady Luck is certainly smiling down on you next week. Tuesday will see you receive the results of that test, which you’ve been dreading so much. Don’t worry though, the results will be negative and prove once and for all that the kid’s not yours - you lucky little Ram! Why not take the maintenance money you’ve been saving and treat yourself to an evening of drunken debauchery to celebrate?
Jupiter will bring a mid-week rash.
Taurus, April 21 - May 21
Wow, if ever there was a time for you to buy a lottery ticket - then next week is it! Your luck’s not about to change, but maybe - just maybe - the buzz you’ll get will sate your excessive gambling compulsion a little? Not much, but just enough for you to avoid blowing all of the housekeeping on the 15:15 at Cheltenham, then perhaps the children will eat this week after all? Thursday will bring a visit from someone you haven’t seen for a long while. There are no excuses though, as Dave the Knife wants his money this time.
Mercury’s transit across your sign will see you leaping from a third floor window in an effort to escape.
Gemini, May 22 - June 21
Is there something you’ve been thinking of doing for some time now, but keep putting off? Well now is the time to act! Next week will see you succeed in your endeavours - just as long as you’re careful not to leave prints and remember to burn your clothes afterwards. Don’t forget your claw hammer!
A sudden and unexpected death in the family will signal a significant windfall coming your way.
Cancer, June 22 - July 22
Next week you should really heed the old adage, ‘if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all’. So, do everyone a favour and keep your foul mouth shut for a change. Nobody’s interested in your odious opinions, so just button it before someone decides to give you a well-deserved punch up the bracket.
The arrival of Saturn indicates that you really are an obnoxious turd!
Leo, July 23 - August 23
Sometimes you feel like the whole world is against you, that you’ve got nothing left to give and that there’s really no point in going on. You may well be tired, emotional and feeling despondent at the moment, but it’s pointless just moping about the house and complaining. So, why not resolve to stop wasting time and finally do something about it? Next week, it’s time to take action! Tuesday will be the ideal day to seriously contemplate ending it all.
An appointment with a railway bridge and the 17:07 from London Waterloo will finally bring the blessed relief you seek.
Virgo, August 24 - September 22
Single? Yeah, thought so. Although you’ve never been one to sing your own praises, and you’d hardly describe yourself as pretty, next week you finally realise that, neither would anyone else. Perhaps all is not lost, as they do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s just a pity that the tall, dark, handsome and blind person that you encounter mid-week, does have a perfectly functioning sense of smell. Personal hygiene has never been your strong suit, but maybe you should try washing once in a while?
Shrewd Mercury suggests that maybe you should consider joining a religious order - preferably one that involves swearing an oath of celibacy and requires you to don a full face veil.
Libra, September 23 - October 23
If you’re anything like your fellow Libran, and my soon to be ex-wife, Beverly, then you’re probably feeling a little skittish at the moment. Next week will see you questioning your decision to callously break up your martial home, by running off with that dipshit Estate Agent, Toby. The recent collapse of his business, the horrendous debt you’re now saddled with, and the lack of a regular income, is likely to result in your saggy fat arse being turfed out on to the street, which is precisely where a tired rancid old whore like you belongs!
The transit of Uranus from your house will see you eyeing an ex’s bedsit with renewed interest. Tough shit, you’ve made someone else’s bed, now lie in it! For ‘bed’, I do of course mean a collection of old newspapers arranged on a park bench.
Scorpio, October 24 - November 22
A purple Trombone bearing the inscription ‘tyme and Daz weight for no Juan’ will feature prominently over the next week. Mice armed with Kalashnikovs – how scary is that? That mushroom omelette you had for lunch yesterday – the one you made with the fungi you’d foraged yourself - did taste a little odd, didn’t it? Aren’t the curtains pretty? The colours so vivid and the pattern so animated, perhaps you should just sit and stare at them until they stop waltzing?
Later on, as the moon checks into your sign, you’ll lose complete control of your bowels.
Sagittarius, November 23 - December 21
As a fat, balding, middle-aged and now bankrupt Estate Agent, I bet you thought your life couldn’t get any worse? However, developments next week will see you left teetering on the very edge of a pit of unending despair. No money, no prospects and soon no home. Yet somehow, still saddled with a menopausal cow, who possesses all the charisma of a used Elastoplast, freshly ripped from a weeping sore on the arse of a dead tramp. Were those few stolen, sordid hours spent fumbling in a squalid double room of the Bracknell Travelodge, really worth it? I think not!
As Mercury squares up to Jupiter, you can’t help feeling that others are deriving great joy from your misfortune. Too right looser!
Capricorn, December 22 - January 20
My, aren’t you a capricious little Capricorn this week. By Thursday you’ll be asking yourself if it really was such a good idea to stop taking the Lithium tablets. On Friday, the armed police battering down your door will suggest that wasn’t!
Venus warns you not to listen to, ‘the voices’.
Aquarius, January 21 - February 18
Ever the adventurous Aquarian, next week will see you craving excitement and willingness to explore all sorts of new avenues in a bid to find it. However, you will also find that not everyone is as open minded as yourself, and that some of your particular peccadillos could be viewed as downright disgusting, if not bordering on the illegal. So, unless you want to risk another tabloid exposé and the need to move town yet again, then it may pay to keep your libido in check and content yourself with mere self-abuse for the time being.
Being adventurous will put the passion back into your love life. Just don’t let the farmer or authorities find out!
Pisces, February 19 - March 20
The start of next week will be the ideal opportunity to spend some time putting your affairs in order. Perhaps spend time with family and close friends, and maybe consider cancelling that summer holiday booking, as it would be a shame to see all that money go to waste. There’s really no point wasting the little time you have left fretting over the little things, like what to wear to the work’s do next Saturday, as the life changing events of Wednesday will render these worries somewhat trivial. As the old adage states, ‘there are only two things certain in life, death and taxes’ and you’ve already completed your self assessment. Midweek you’ll discover just how similar the text alert on your phone, and the warning beep of a reversing lorry, actually are.
This week the letters H, G, V and the number 999 will prove significant to you. As will the initials A and E and the letters D,O,A - but not necessarily in a good way.
Well that is really excellent Adrian!
Love the last line re the significant letters!
Blimey - and I read right to the end. Some cracking lines and great punchletters
Yes, Adrian, you should sub that ... It would be a good, if long, left alert.
Best horoscopes I have read I think ...
Past my bedtime but preliminary listen sounds great. Something to listen to tomorrow if I can get mrs 4fun to brew up a decent coffee
Hmmm! Not so sure about Radio Jones. Ms Jones, I am sure, is a great pro but there is probably a reason she is on an on-line Spanish radio station and not, for example, the Today programme on R4.
Although I probable knew it, it was also a bit of a shock to hear Shitsu being a woman! Slightly dissapointed too that Wayland sounds a bit like me and doesn't have an outrageous regional accent.
ALSO: Love the horoscope Adrian. Have you ever considered setting up your own website. It could be a daily/weekly spoof horoscope site.
Just shows how deceptive these things can be - Shitsu is actually a rather effeminate male docker, 6 foot 5 with a huge beard; while Wayland is in fact a diminutive female ballet teacher, cursed with a rather butch voice.
Des is on next week - that'll be hilarious, just trying to decipher his impenetrable Welsh accent.
What? Des is a bloke? No wonder he insisted on keeping the light off.
Well - he is now...
As a long time fan of modest yet witty countryside matters, may I say that today's Liam Fox offering (although well written) was horribly more NB than Harold..
It was a bit, but I couldn't resist the picture, which teeters between the disturbing and the arousing. Luckily the Harold also covers "international news" like this.
But if you're more the villagey type, you'll love our nature column coming soon: "Country Visiting"!
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