“I saw the Two Millibands and had a divine revelation - they’d obviously elected the wrong one“, ex-Pope Benedict told Vatican insiders today.
“When I look at Pope Francis he positively beams goodness, whereas I’m an ex Nazi who sat on his hands through numerous paedophile scandals. To be honest, it did seem a bit odd at the time. I prayed for guidance, and a picture of Ed Milliband appeared before me, with the caption ‘you’re this one’. It was a humbling moment”.
According to the retired Pontiff, other clues came from reports that David Milliband exudes the smell of violets – long associated with sainthood – and has the power to turn Jacob’s Creek into wine.
“I feel so, so sorry for the people of Britain. Even to a holy man, it’s pretty obvious that Ed’s a bit of a knob”.