A demonstration of wives and girlfriends left widowed by the World Cup has marched through London today, insisting that they should be better cared for by the British government. ‘Our boys are giving their all to support this country, often paying the ultimate price – over three quid for a pint of Carling,’ said Kelly Maddens, whose live-in partner Dave has been MIA since he installed Sky HD on the telly in the loft.
‘All we ask is that those of us who are left at home receive a bit of support, whether or not you believe England’s campaign to be futile. It’s hard never knowing if you’re going to get that knock on the door saying your man has been found in a gutter with his England pants on his head and a tattoo of Alan Hanson on his left arse-cheek.’
Campaigners are demanding that football widows receive their husbands’ full salaries, state-subsidised Haagen-Dazs and Sex & the City reruns on Channel 4 while their husbands are engaged in active service on the three-piece. But controversy has already dogged the new Football Widows Pension scheme as it was revealed that Gurkha football widows may not be entitled to the full allowance, prompting Joanna Lumley to twat foreign secretary William Hague live during an interview on Loose Woman.
After the plight of Mrs Maureen Bagnall – who has already lost her husband and two of her sons to the campaign – was highlighted in the national press, the Prime Minister has vowed that no family will lose all its men to the World Cup. ‘Even now, we are sending an elite commando squad to withdraw Mrs Bagnall’s youngest son, Ryan, from the Dog and Duck in Ealing,’ said Cameron, who has promised to review VAT on Ann Summers purchases for the duration of the conflict. ‘No mother should have to see all three of her sons draped in an England hat and silly wig.’