In a development that could dent Jesus’ “Mr Perfect” image, archaeologists today announced that they have found his personal file from his job as a carpenter with the Jerusalem Nailers.
Leader of the dig, Professor Jason Hurd, said that Jesus’ personal file revealed that some jealous workers nicknamed him “the Son of God” due to his uncanny ability to plane in a straight line without the aid of a ruler. But they were in the minority, and Jesus was a popular employee whose morning tea shouts became legendary.
“However, towards the end of Jesus’ employment, things really unravelled” said Professor Hurd. “The file contained a bereavement leave form where under ‘name of the deceased’, Jesus wrote ‘self’ and under ‘estimated time of leave’, wrote ‘3 days’.”
An HR note records that although not technically illegal, the bereavement leave claim was sharp practice. And while on bereavement leave, Jesus broke one of the firm’s commandments by stealing company property – viz a quantity of nails - and was caught red-handed.
Professor Hurd observed that things seemed to quickly escalate with Jesus arguing that the Monday after his 3 day bereavement leave was a public holiday. The personal file shows that mediation led to an agreed resolution whereby Jesus took some unpaid leave and promised to return “later”.
“It seems that Jesus never did return, and the last documents on file were letters from his lawyer over the terms of his testimonial” said Professor Hurd. “An advice note from the Nailer’s lawyer stated “just agree to all his ridiculous demands – even the ‘walking on water’ reference – the testimonial is so over the top no one will ever take it seriously.”
“There must have been several versions as the final draft was titled ‘the New Testimonial’ and was a hefty 403 pages long” noted Professor Hurd.