Extra large matrons will patrol wards, doctors will be encouraged to adopt silly names and there will be free access to laughing gas for patients under a new regime aimed at regaining the affection once held by patients for the NHS.
Doctor Ivor E. Tinkle told the Today programme that the only way to restore trust in a 21st Century NHS is to remind patients of the fun of highly regulated early 1960’s wards where grown men could be belittled by bossy ward staff (and by their wives between 7 and 9pm only, weekdays). Bed baths, hospital corners, bunches of grapes, phantom pregnancies, piles and starched white aprons are to make a comeback, and staff will be encouraged to form inappropriate relations with each other in the sluice room. Special attention will be given to students about where to put thermometers and how to deal firmly with patient constipation as well as confidentiality. Carry On Nurse, Carry on Doctor and Doctor in the House will be required viewing for training purposes.
However, there has already been allegations of misconduct, after a senior military figure complained a daffodil was inserted into his anus by health professionals. But Health Secretary Sid James Hunt said this was simply a matter of nurses’ high spirits. “It’s just a new way of marking the arrival of Spring. God knows we’ve waited long enough,” he chortled.
“I’ve told all doctors and nurses to warm their hands in this cold weather before examining the patients. Or each other. What happened in Mid Staffs could never happen in a Carry On Film, because in those days people really cared, and hospital was a bit of a laugh. What we need is more gorgeous blond nurses, and more loud-voiced clinically obese clinicians who know how to run a tight ship! Patients deserve Justice. James Robertson Justice! ”