The remains of King Alfred the Great have been disinterred from an unmarked grave at St Bartholomew's Church in Winchester. The momentous find was announced by Brian Enderby, Head of Hampshire’s Archaeological Unit, at an impromptu press reception attended by journalists from local radio and both of the county’s free newspapers.
“We immediately recognised the bones as being King Alfred”, said Mr Enderby, cracking his bullwhip for added emphasis, “because we really, really, really wanted them to be. Funding for the unit was due to be axed next month, so we badly needed to exhume somebody famous with impeccable local connections. When we discovered the skeleton it was surrounded by charred cake-crumbs. The implications were clear: we’d either found Billy Bunter or King Alfred.
“This amazing - and timely - find should ensure that funding for archaeology in Hampshire is not only saved, but increased. Our immediate plan is to build a new, interactive, state-of-the art museum facility in Winchester, dedicated to the Saxon king and his unique place in baking history. We already have sponsors on board, including David Starkey, Delia Smith and Mr Kipling, and are currently in negotiations with the Hairy Bikers”.
With a raffish wink, a tip of his fedora and a parting wisecrack - “An exceedingly good day to you all!” - Mr Enderby was gone...