The government has appealed for calm after a woman in Braintree, Essex claimed to have seen a Bulgarian. There are fears the sighting could spark panic-bigotry by thousands of Daily Express readers.
Cicely Flanagan spotted the alleged Bulgarian lurking in some bushes, near a local petrol station.
“It was walking upright like a man,” said Mrs. Flanagan, “but was clearly hunting for benefits, scrabbling through bins and scaling trees. I tried to chase it off, but it just threatened me with a picture of what could have been its wife and small children. I can’t be certain, because I was recoiling in horror at the time, but I suspect the bastard had it laminated.”
The Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) moved quickly to reassure the public that the lone Bulgarian had probably escaped from a container lorry somewhere and that there was no cause for concern.
A spokesperson said: “A detachment of Fusiliers has been sent to Braintree and the whole area has been cordoned off, so we expect if it is a Bulgarian it will be recaptured very soon.
“In the meantime we would urge people not to jump to conclusions that we are dealing with a Bulgarian. It could simply be a confused Frenchman, although we take those equally seriously.
“If you do spot the suspected Bulgarian - perhaps attempting to put its name down for social housing and a new fridge freezer – our advice is not to approach it. If cornered it could turn into a Romanian and we don’t want British people putting their own benefits in jeopardy.”
Mrs. Flanagan’s daughter Ursula Godwin said her mother had been left shocked and dismayed by her ordeal.
“My mother has been left shocked and dismayed by her ordeal,” confirmed Ms. Godwin. “You wonder how in this day and age, what with all new technology and watsit, Bulgarians are able to get out of their hutches, or whatever. Damn you, European Court of Human Rights. Damn you.”
Local UKIP candidate Roger Bentos said: “I suspect it had been lured to the petrol station by the freeze on fuel duty announced in the budget. I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t a boatload of them on their way over tempted by our ridiculously inexpensive warm beer.
“It just shows how government policies are playing into the hands of Bulgarians, some of whom are being offered jobs cleaning our homes or looking after our children. Why not just cosh ourselves to death and give them our money and kids now, to save them the bother?”
Bentos defended UKIP’s hardline ‘Send the Bulgers back’ policy. “Oh, so suddenly it’s racist to say people from other countries are a shower of dirty, untrustworthy, illiterate, ignorant half-breeds who want to rape our daughters? It’s political correctness gone mad. They should stay in Scotland, where they belong.”
Prime Minister David Cameron writing in today’s Daily Mail has promised to vigorously throw Bulgarians and any other Eastern Europeans who aren’t planning to open large bank accounts directly back into the sea.
“Bulgarians are of course amphibious and would be perfectly happy wading just off the coast off Folkstone until the necessary paperwork is completed,” the Prime Minister wrote, “or an urgent vacancy arose at the local Asda.”
Deputy leader Nick Clegg unveiled plans on Monday for foreign workers to rent oxygen whilst working in the UK. “It’s only fair, that they pay for the air they breathe, and don’t just go around filling the place with carbon dioxide. If you’re going to take something out, you must put something back, which is why in the interests of fairness the charge won’t apply to any workers from overseas who operate by photosynthesis.”
