Following the re-opening of the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant after severe weather conditions forced its shutdown, the skeleton-staff left in charge of the plant has in fact been reduced to skeletons.
After a 'site incident' was declared at the Cumbria base the plants moved to a "controlled, safe, shut-down state" said a spokesman speaking from his lead-lined bunker in Christchurch, New Zealand.
Sellafield Ltd said the move, which came as snow and high winds affected the county, was to allow staff to leave early and get home safely. However some staff ‘volunteered’ to remain behind to ensure the site’s safety.
A spokesman for Sellafield said: "We closed the plant purely as a safety issue because of the high winds and snow and we wanted most of our 8,500 workers to go early and get home safely before the whole place went up. A handful of staff remained and unfortunately succumbed to a moderate number of radiation leaks equivalent to the power of 1 trillion sunbeds. But although they perished they did expire with very healthy glows."
Victims' families have now been informed and the cost of all funerals, which will be arranged in 100,000 years from now are to be met by Sellafield Ltd.
A site emergency control centre has also been established and is managing the incident in line with well-rehearsed procedures learned from previous nuclear fuck ups including, Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and Fukushima. “As long as nobody comes within 3,000 miles of the plant there is absolutely no cause for concern.
We have implemented a phased early release of the surviving staff which is being carried out in a safe, controlled manner, fingers crossed.”
Most of the plant will be maintained in a 'quiescent state', which means functioning at a low level, until the end of time.