In a completely unoriginal, blatantly reworded but ultimately much better story, news that was set to dominate the back pages of the worlds sporting press was put on indefinite hold yesterday when Michael Owen’s retirement from professional football was delayed by an injury to his vocal cords.
This was especially disappointing to the Spanish and Geordie reporters who had hoped Michael would utter a few words in their native tongue having become fluent in both languages whilst sitting on the bench at the Bernebau and in St James’s A&E department.
Wearing his now trademark "Sponsored by BUPA" T shirt, the former England striker and regular cast extra on / in Casualty had been due to make a statement earlier today regarding his future when an initial tickle at the back of his throat suddenly took a turn for the worst and transformed into a grade 5 inability to speak. Like a greyhound suddenly shot with an air rifle Michael pulled up in his tracks, writhing around on the TV studio floor clutching his damaged vocal cords.
An earlier open air press conference scheduled during the summer had to be postponed when the Stoke City medical team activated a clause in his contract which excludes Michael from going outside on a windy day in case an unexpected gust might snap his thread like cruciate ligaments.
Left totally mute Michael Owen was left with no option but to issue a written statement, however a recurrence of a hand ligament problem caused as a result of filling in innumerable “Injury lawyers for U” forms and multi million pound deals meant this too had to be put on hold.
Initially efforts were made to obtain Owen’s retirement announcement by borrowing Stephen Hawkins voice synthesiser but the hapless player strained his lower back and bilateral hamstrings trying to bend down to plug it in, causing him to limp round the paddock like one of the race horses he currently owns. Undaunted, the plucky striker then began to try and relay his intentions to the waiting crowd of reporters simply by using the power of suggestion but this simply gave him a migraine and he had to go and lie down on his memorial treatment table.
Owen is currently auditioning for the British remake of “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”, the story of a courageous individual who locked into his own body following a spate of injuries and who can only communicate with the outside world by blinking his eye. Unfortunately ophthalmologists have reported that a stray eye lash has caused his one functioning eye to be put on bed rest. Even Paddy Power are refusing to take bets as to whether the eye will make an appearance before the end of the season.
Before leaving the press conference reporters were reminded of the new post Levinson regulations about not using any words currently found in the English language that had been used by anyone else at any other time, in any other way, shape or form in order to fabricate a similar or dissimilar story for the general amusement of all and sundry as this may cause increased blood pressure and panic attacks in readers.