HOROSCOPE week commencing 25th March 2013
By Colin the Cosmic Cockerel.
ARIES. You will suddenly remember you were wrongly sold PPI insurance.
TAURUS. Your lucky number this month is 423456432.
GEMINI. All the jam will be sucked out of your doughnut of love.
CANCER. Sorry the clues in the name.
LEO. Your canoe of happiness will flounder on the rapids of despair and leave you lost and alone in the lake of misery and solitude.
VIRGO. Avoid all root vegetables this month apart from parsnips on Thursdays.
LIBRA. At 3.15 you will momentarily be confused about your sexuality and buy a copy of Heat magazine.
SCORPIO. You will receive some bad news in the post.
SAGITTERIUS. Farrow and Ball Lichen is your lucky colour for this month
CAPRICORN. Rebecca will be only three miles away from you.
AQUARIOUS. You will get a lift in a friend's car and apologize for having a little accident in it, only to discover the cars heated seats have given you the sensation of pooing yourself. Your friend will always think you are incontinent and never give you a lift again.
PISCES. Nothing at all of any importance will happen to you today, nothing absolutely nothing at all.