In a break from tradition, Chancellor George Osborne will pose for Budget Day photographs with Jack the Ripper’s black Gladstone bag instead of the traditional Red Budget Box.
“With the amount of cutting and slashing I've been involved in I felt it would be more appropriate to hold aloft something more symbolic of today’s economic situation.” He said in a statement to the media. “The Ripper’s Gladstone bag is extremely suited to the purpose."
Instead of the usual government manuscripts the bag will contain a cut throat razor, a bloody butcher’s knife, a list of past, present and future victims of the recession and a bottle of chloroform to render opponents to the budget completely unconscious.
The Chancellor will first present the budget to the Queen, who will strenuously deny that the Duke of Clarence had anything to do with previous cuts in the 1880’s before delivering it in a black stagecoach to the House of Commons after a quick diversion via Whitechapel.
A spokesman from Scotland Yard’s Black Museum said, “We are happy to lend the Ripper’s bag to Mr. Osborne for the purpose of delivering his budget. Our only fear is that he’ll take further advantage of its contents by ripping the guts out of the Met and then leave us all for dead in the gutter.”
After the budget the Chancellor will embark on a tour of impoverished areas to see the effects of the current recession. They will include, England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.