Police ask undercover reporters to stop investigating Reform
Police chiefs have expressed ‘irritation’ and ‘dismay’ after learning of yet another journalist exposing dodgy dealings by Nigel Farage’s current political party. ‘It’s a lot of work’, a spokesman confirmed. ‘We have to interview people, look through accounts – it’s fucking tedious. Everyone knows they’re dodgy – couldn’t we just accept that and move on? Nobody makes us raid the thousands of money-laundering shops on the high street – we all just shrug and get on with our day
Reform UK introduces donor card scheme
If you believe this, you'll believe anything Insurgent populist party Reform UK has introduced a revolutionary donor card scheme which it hopes British citizens will carry with them at all times. The card says: "In the event of me happening to be related to some very rich foreigner, I will allow millions of Bitcoins to be channelled through my bank account into the coffers of Reform UK." I suppose there is nothing wrong with such a card being printed or carried," said Court o
Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps
‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’. Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae co
Keir Starmer: that resignation statement in full
‘Over the summer, I have had time to reflect and consider my future. I have decided to stand down as MP for Holborn and St Pancras and hand over to a successor. I did complain about the unnecessary costs of a by-election in Makerfield and an election for a new Manchester mayor, but now I get it. I’m out of here, suckers. ‘It’s been an honour and privilege to serve the constituency, but the job is thankless and underpaid. I didn’t get into politics to deal with the first wo
More new ways invented to occupy bored boy before meals
Staff at the Oval Diner in DC are constantly thinking of ways to stop a very special little customer geting 'hangry'. He's not interested in the usual colouring menus you see in restaurants - he always wants exactly the same fast food and can't keep inside the lines anyway, plus he only wants to use his black marker pen. He's usually happy with just a sheet of paper in a fancy folder so he can sign his name and proudly display the unintelligible scribble, much like a toddler
John Healey 'considering resignation' over John Healey's budget
Chancellor of the Exchequer John Healey has enraged Secretary of Defence John Healey by refusing to raise defence spending to 3% of GDP. Healey's offices clarified - again - that Dennis Healey died in 2015, before issuing parallel statements: 'I cannot support my own policy that I completely support. Therefore I must resign in an attempt to force my own resignation thus supporting whatever it was. If that doesn't work, I'll try the opposite. Sorry, what was the question?' 'Lo
Canada to rename Gordie Howe bridge
Canada has, with a heavy heart, announced plans to rename the recently opened Gordie Howe bridge that links Canada to the US. 'It's not big, and it's not clever,' said Premier Mark Carney. 'I feel that we are being dragged down to Trump's level. But we have agreed to match tariffs dollar for dollar, so we can't let the big orange man-baby rename Lake Ontario without a response. 'From Monday, the Gordie Howe bridge will be officially renamed the Donald Trump Is An Economically
Iran war over as Strait of Hormuz renamed Strait of America
The conflict in Iran is over. Iran has unconditionally surrendered after hearing about the United States declaration that the Strait of Hormuz is to be referred to, by the US Government but nobody else, as the Strait of America. This cessation of hostilities is proof that all those who thought Donald Trump's renaming of stuff was just performative willy-waving without any substance were mistaken. Acknowledging the power of Trump signing an unconstitutional executive order a
Scotland's Birth Rate Falls to Record Low
The number of babies being born in Scotland fell to a record low for the third consecutive year, new figures show. The figures from the National Records of Scotland (NRS) show live births of 45,067 in 2025, the lowest number since records began in 1855. NRS spokesperson Gail Winds suggested that part of the reason could simply be due to the unattractiveness of Scotland and the Scottish people. 'Scotland is cold, wet and windy,' she said. 'And that's just the summer; winter
DC nursery troubled by disruptive toddler
A Washington DC nursery today held a press conference to try to calm the public after one of its charges, a toddler whose name was given only as 'DJ', threatened to knock down bigly buildings in the City if he wasn't allowed to scribble his name on them in crayon. 'We appreciate that this may cause distress to the residents of Washington DC,' stated Blanche Todd, senior administrator for the nursery. 'However, you know what toddlers are like - they just don't listen to peopl
