Michael Gove’s brave new vision of schools in Britain being designed to deliver quality education in a way that provides value-for-money for the taxpayer has fallen at the first hurdle.
“Many of the most important aspects of the system worked very well”, a spokesperson for the Department for Education pointed out.
“Head teachers had more autonomy, class sizes were smaller and children were able to learn at the appropriate speed to match their ability.”
“Unfortunately, the requirement for all classroom teachers to deliver their lessons in Swedish proved too much for both pupils and staff. Also the unions were unhappy about the quality of the flatpack furniture, the tiny pencils and the circuitous one-way route around school campuses.”
Parents are delighted with new healthy items on school menus. John Stearnes, a parent of two children at the new Benni-og-Bjorn Schoolenshusten in Wolverhampton, said “The Gravadlax, red cabbage and Akvavit have been absolutely marvellous, my children have never been so happy.
“However, I’m not sure about the new PE teacher playing chess on the beach holding a scythe. I intend to convene an emergency parent teacher conference with the new class five teacher, Anna-Lise as soon as possible. Even if the only room we can find is the stationary cupboard. Oh and if her classroom assistant Johanna wants to join us as well, that’s fine.”