Classic News:

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Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

The Supreme Leader of Iran, Mojtaba Khamenei, is - surprisingly - a devout fan of the British Prime Minister, Keir Starmer.

deskpilot

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Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.

deskpilot

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

Hampshire Police are retraining all their dimmest officers in how to spot the victim of a knife attack by giving them innovative finger painting exercises to do.

Jeremynh

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

Teachers' Unions have issued a new report concerning the latest trend amongst teenage boys adopting extreme and alarming practices to improve or 'Maxx' their own brains.

johnnyotter

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

WINNER I am sensing that you are both Pisces lockjaw RUNNERS UP "Your future looks fishy to me" sirlupus Well, I can definitely see an X, so you're either going to find buried treasure or have a win on the pools robfalconer You're about to get catfished. How do you feel about that? jeremynh Passengers for the Titan submersible Mark II were leaving nothing to chance. Paul L

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

WINNER Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late robfalconer RUNNERS UP Look! A dinosaur-sized squirrel. granger Dinosaur community feeling the brunt of anorexia epidemic. sydalg That one's called Keir, next to Wes, and the one on the left is called Andy deskpilot

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Winner Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away … robfalconer Runners Up So I can certainly explain what your test results mean, but first hand over the cash sirlupus Sure, privatization has its challenges, but you were going to be dead soon enough anyway. agstilp Just ignore the Channel 4 film crew while I check for yeast infection Sinnick

Breaking News

Andrew rented royal cottages on Heir bnb

Escaped creature in Fukushima 'smarter than the av-er-age bear!'

Reform back Tories idea , trips to tax havens tax deductable

Horses urged to 'stand up and be mounted'

Lilibet is 5, or 6,788 in social media posts

Scientists monitoring DNA in wastewater detect strong signs of bull in S E Water

Hot dog stand closed until furter notice

Shortage of supplies for landscape gardeners leads to turf war

Features

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Aries You will get a big birthday surprise this month. Let’s just say that a Supermax prison isn’t the safest place in the world. Taurus You better wake up and smell the coffee, you punkass bitch, or someone’s gonna put a cap in your ass. Gemini You think that you’re the capo di tuttu capo in this territory, Donnie, but your craziness is affecting business with other outfits. Time to consider putting your feet up, let the kids run the show. Improve your golf handicap. Cancer

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Trump responds to House rebuke over Iran War

Nastyahoo declares yet another ceasefire with Lebanon

Donald Trump as James Bond

Rejected designs for British bank notes

From the Archive

Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C

Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling. 'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of the

Six phrases just as annoying as 'Platty Joobs'

Platty Joobs has rapidly emerged this week as a contender for the most annoying and ridiculous phrase ever, the shortening of words saving no time and immediately rendering the utterer as a complete tool. But what other phrases are totes annoying? Here at NewsBiscuit we have done the heavy lifting for you and curated some of the best for you. Holibobs Are you a toddler who has you just learnt to speak and who is still struggling to control your bladder function as well as wor

Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised

Nadine Dorries is said to be fuming after an interviewer for the website Mumsnet was insufficiently deferential to Dorries’ boyfriend Boris Johnson. Dorries insisted Mumsnet hadn’t done itself any favours and that many people had her Mumsnet password. She also said Mumsnet needed to free itself of government subsidies. Even though it doesn’t get any, 96% of Nadine Dorries believes that it does. A similar proportion of Tory MPs are raised by nannies and introduced to their mum

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

Hampshire Police are retraining all their dimmest officers in how to spot the victim of a knife attack by giving them innovative finger painting exercises to do.

Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

The Supreme Leader of Iran, Mojtaba Khamenei, is - surprisingly - a devout fan of the British Prime Minister, Keir Starmer.

Interpol searching for Nigel Farage

The Metropolitan Police has thrown its collective arms up in despair after searching fruitlessly for weeks for the not-usually-publicity-shy Reform leader.

Government to open 1100 new hospital wards

Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.

Rochdale Man Tells Of His Heartbreak Over Reform Rejection

A semi-literate Rochdale man has broken his silence over the heartbreak of failing to be selected as a Reform candidate in the local elections.

Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon joined the SNP at 16, immediately specialising in constitutional law and improvised armoured van construction.

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

The journalist who ghost authored The Art of the Deal for Donald Trump has been asked to step in and clinch a peace deal with Iran, since Trump himself clearly has no clue what he is doing. "The President is totally out of his depth with the Iranians," said a State Department source, "and he's been telling obvious fibs - always saying he's minutes away from a deal with them when he's just been talking to himself in a mirror. "That's why we asked Tony Schwartz to take his plac

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

A peace deal between the USA and Iran is 'tantalisingly close', according to an ill-informed member of the White House press office. The only stumbling block is how to divide up the tolls on shipping through the Strait of Hormuz. The US President has previously opposed charging tolls on shipping, but is coming round to the idea - as long as the US gets a decent share.

The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Memories last almost as long as university debt, so unsurprisingly the British public are less than thrilled that Anthony Charles Lynton Blair has reappeared with all the delights of shingles. Telling us to embrace further austerity and privatization, he is the James Corden of war-criminals.

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

Teachers' Unions have issued a new report concerning the latest trend amongst teenage boys adopting extreme and alarming practices to improve or 'Maxx' their own brains.

English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays, with many not even suitable for a 10 part podcast.

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left

British holidaymakers should arrive at their European departure airports at least a month before leaving the UK for a 2 week holiday. Thanks for flying Brexit Airways.

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Pharmacies in England with a treatment room will soon be able to perform minor operations to help speed up care and ease pressure on GPs and hospitals. Pharmacists can currently prescribe medication for some common medical conditions, mostly the embarrassing ones. ‘Extra large tube of haemorrhoid cream for Mrs Higgins?’ ‘Yes, fine.’

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

"We can think of no better way of drawing international tourists to the North-West of England," said a spokes-fridge magnet for Visit Britain, "than to build a large glass bowl around the ancient edifice of Carlisle Castle, flood it, and then put in a school of goldfish.

CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Following their £2,500,000,000 merger, Barrett and Redrow are the biggest house builder in Britain and would really like the government to inspire them and help them out. “It's supply and demand, really. We are demanding the Government supply us with an incentive to build more houses. There just doesn’t seem much profit in it.

Red Arrows to be made from paper

As part of a cost cutting measure, the iconic flight team will be carefully constructed from paper and the occasional rubber band. They will represent the UK internationally by being mailed in a large envelope. Diplomatic missions now involve carefully unfolding them on arrival and apologising for any creases.

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

"So we're having a few days of sunshine, and no doubt Labour will try and take credit for it ahead of the Makerfield by-election," Nigel Farage told reporters, while slapping on Rothmans Factor 50 sunblock.

National Trust blasts feckless oiks

The National Trust has blasted 'feckless oiks' for failing to visit its properties.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

Have you ever wondered why Donald Trump tries to get a peace deal with Iran by repeatedly bombing it? Or why he ever attacked Iran in the first place?

A level Mathematics paper leaked on line

An A level Mathematics paper leaked online has questions about student loans - unnerving those students answering.

Royal Family to be turned into Data Centres

In a bold move to modernise the Royal Family, plans have been drawn up to turn the entire institution into a data centre.

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs. Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution. Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper a

Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes. The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis. M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato... 'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket pota

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun. Of course, there is a serious side to these unusu

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile. "We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age. "But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is. "So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment.

Security warning about bogus roadworks

MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders. The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening,

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion. 'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.' The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Bargain hunters are showing little interest in the closure of 150 high street shops that were formerly WHSmith, but are now branded WTFlip. 'Nah,' said Barry, a seasoned eBay seller. 'Even at 50% off, I can get any of those books cheaper on the internet. And if you want to risk writing your own will, then you can do that on the internet too. Greetings cards - who does that any more? Just give 'em a WhatsApp. Or get a cheaper card at Card Factory. 'The computer stock is well

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Local News

BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'

Next year's BAFTA Film Awards are merging Best Actor in a Leading Role and Best Actress in a Leading Role into one award, honouring Mortal Kombat II.

Trump hails the World Cup

'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better.

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.

Flies deny they have no common sense

A spokesfly has hit out strongly at claims that flies lack basic common sense. ‘Look, we only live for a couple of weeks, a month tops, so the complete works of Shakespeare would be a push, but we have artists. Oh yeah. Brian, one of my siblings, made up a new buzzing sound. Who knows what else he might have invented if that spider hadn’t got him on Day 9? Taken too soon.

Spurs seek open-top bus for “We’re Staying Up” parade

Tottenham Hotspur FC, having narrowly managed to remain in the Premier League, are looking for an open-top bus for their “We’re Staying Up” parade through north-west London.

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

A ballroom being built will now also include lots of things for perverts to do. No one really knows why there will be a dance floor, as the wretched psychopaths who will be invited to the gauche annex are so self-despising and bored with life that they are only interested in shoving things up themselves and others. The playpen had confused some speculators, but a pervert insider confirmed that is where the live food will be corralled. An area to the side is the childbrain of

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

We honestly had no idea what Liverpool was like, before setting it as Gotham City, the most crime-ridden city in Yankeeland, the producer of the next Batman film told Newsbiscuit. Standing next to the Batmobile perched on bricks, while the crew waited for replacement wheels to arrive, he went on to say “We’ve only been in town a couple of days, but I’m already liking Liverpool. Such a wonderful sense of humour the people here have.” image by Gemini Google

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification. Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling

The Prince of Wales is cashing in on the fact that a pasty is essentially a treasure chest where the treasure is edible and the chest is made of cardboard and sawdust. It’s the only food where the filling is the meal and the rest is concrete. The twenty percent represents all of the tasty part and the only recognisable section that be considered actual food—leaving us with a hollow shell of a crust, a bit like Prince Andrew. Said a Royal spokeswoman; 'The crust isn’t there fo

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

The government has begun an investigative into fancy dress shops run by moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeepers. An undercover operative, wearing a black lounge suit and bowler hat, left a house at 52 Festive Road, London, and visited a fancy-dress costume shop where he was invited to try on different outfits. He then left the shop, not by the front door, but through a 'magic' door at the back of the changing room and had adventures appropriate to his costume. When he returned

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Andrew rented royal cottages on Heir bnb

Escaped creature in Fukushima 'smarter than the av-er-age bear!'

Reform back Tories idea , trips to tax havens tax deductable

Horses urged to 'stand up and be mounted'

Lilibet is 5, or 6,788 in social media posts

Scientists monitoring DNA in wastewater detect strong signs of bull in S E Water

Hot dog stand closed until furter notice

Shortage of supplies for landscape gardeners leads to turf war

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Trump responds to House rebuke over Iran War

Nastyahoo declares yet another ceasefire with Lebanon

Donald Trump as James Bond

Rejected designs for British bank notes

Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C

Six phrases just as annoying as 'Platty Joobs'

Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised

Our annual for 2021-22

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

Interpol searching for Nigel Farage

Government to open 1100 new hospital wards

Rochdale Man Tells Of His Heartbreak Over Reform Rejection

Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Red Arrows to be made from paper

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

National Trust blasts feckless oiks

Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

A level Mathematics paper leaked on line

Royal Family to be turned into Data Centres

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

Stand off over baked potatoes

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

Security warning about bogus roadworks

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Council plans annual black bin collections

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Today's Christmas Card report

AI writed this headline: The future is now

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'

Trump hails the World Cup

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

Flies deny they have no common sense

Spurs seek open-top bus for “We’re Staying Up” parade

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities