A terrible new threat to the British way of life has appeared on the avenues and cul-de-sacs of the UK, says the Mail on Sunday, after al-Qaeda leaders called for their operatives to 'work smarter, not harder' in convincing the hearts and minds of the British public.
UK-based extremists are now plodding the streets instead of plotting discreetly, according to the four-page report in this weekend's publication. This follows the terror group's tacit admission of failure after reports that Osama bin Laden has said 'blowing shit up isn't working'.
Dubbed the 'Islamic Witness Programme', the new plan somewhat mimics the month-long terror campaign endured by UK residents during the run up to the 6th May election massacre, with operatives calling door-to-door in an attempt to befriend, and eventually convert, typical Britons to their fundamentalist belief systems -- formerly an exclusively Conservative ploy.
One Brentford resident has experienced this new turn of Islamic extremism first-hand. 'I answered the door to find these two blokes dressed like they were about to trek across the Sahara,' said Reg Cole. 'One of them was pushing a pram containing what looked like an AK47 and some milk cartons packed with explosives, and the other was holding a copy of the Koran. They smiled and politely asked how I was and whether I had considered a life of terrorism.'
'I told them to piss off like I do to all cold callers,' he said, 'but they wouldn't take no for an answer. I tried hard to get them to leave, but after a brief battle where they gunned down my wife I reluctantly ended up having to invite them in for a cup of tea and some hob nobs.'
Mr Cole said that he spent half an hour chatting about religion with them, with solid theological points being made by both sides. 'After forking out a couple of quid for their Weapons of Mass Indoctrination fund, I eventually agreed to consider a life of Islamic terrorism and promised to look at some literature they provided, just to get them to bugger off.'