“Francis, that’s what I want you to call me. No. Oooh. Yes. Mmmm. Well!” Some members of the Sunday throng of worshippers in St Peter’s Square confessed to being “confused” by the new pope’s announcement that he would model his career on that of the late Frankie Howerd, borrowing from the much loved comedian’s rapport with ordinary people.
“Titter ye not, ye faithful,” announced the Pope, wearing a dishevelled suit and a mis-matched mitre. “No. Listen! I always admired Frankie Howerd, with his modest beginnings and his down to earth wojemacallit, ” the former Cardinal Bergoglio told adoring crowds. “Well I did. Yes! When you get an audience with me, you’ll be well and truly audienced. I should say so. I don’t know what you’re laughing at Mrs. No. Here!”
Pope Francis is said to be in talks with TV stations owned by Silvio Berlusconi for a brand new series of “Up! Vatican” in which a newly appointed “modest” pope gets up to all sorts in the tiny state-within-a-state in Italy. “And let me tell you it is in a state!” the Holy Father of over a hundred million believers told a press conference. “So many secrets! So much intrigue! So many keyholes to put earholes to! So much dressing up! I tell you, I asked one of those Swiss Guards for a Swiss Roll and he looked at me funny! He did! No! You see, it’s a very small state – they just gave me my new phone number. It’s VAT 69! I said no! I wanted to call the show “How’s your Holy Father “ but Silvio wasn’t having it. Not at the moment I made that suggestion. But then shortly after, he was. No! Look! Titter not at Francis. This is a big responsibility!”