As white smoke above the Sistine Chapel announced the election of Jorge Bergoglio as the new pontiff damaging news reports began to emerge on how he is totally skint and pops pills while joy riding buses in downtown Buenos Aires with groups of low lifes.
Alejandro Alvarez, who literally has fuck all, said, "I've known Papy for years. He used to hang around Cardboard City and he always looked off his tits. He said they were prescription drugs for his fucked up lung but I reckon they were for other purposes as I'm sure he had a semi one day. He's a flash git but sound as fuck and was always lashing out fat stacks on the women and taking us blokes on bus rides when it's pissing down.
"He told me he'd filled out an application for a new job and was expecting an interview but I thought he was taking the piss. Lucky bastard!"
A Vatican spokesman said, "We don't really give two fucks what anybody says. He came across extremely well at interview and the crowd went mental when he went out on the veranda."