We all know that 'everything in moderation' is a healthy mantra for life, but scientists have now proved that conversely, ‘everything in excess' will seriously bugger you up.
It appears that literally everything - from asparagus to zoom bars – can and probably will kill you if you excessively indulge in them.
‘We have tested a whole range of things’, explained Dr Stevenson, who is leading the study at the University of Wolverhampton. ‘Even something as life-giving as the air we breathe can actually be very harmful if taken to excess. Our tests on 500 rats showed that after administering prolonged and excessive amounts of air, every rodent popped. Other species undergoing the same test fared no better, especially the fish which simply floated and died.'
Early human tests have now begun on the measurement of excessive levels of particular human emotions. Preliminary results show that excessive happiness quickly leads to manic depression and excessive sarcasm leads to getting punched in the face.
The study has also published an 'axis of excess' that shows which things have a greater or lesser damaging effect when taken to excess. At one end of the axis there are things which can be excessively consumed for long periods before they become harmful, such as houmous and watching cat videos. At the other end of the axis, the study lists things which can be harmful to people almost immediately, such as heroin and a George Osborne budget speech.
The team of scientists have acknowledged that the one exception to their findings could be ‘excessive amounts of moderation’, but Dr Stevenson argued that ‘anyone who is excessively moderate still loses out, as by definition, they are just plain boring.’
Dr Stevenson concluded, ‘one of the most critical aspects of our human tests will be the effect of excessive consumption of sex and wealth. Our budget won’t stretch to cover these types of tests so instead we have requested to monitor the daily lives of several senior members of the clergy.’