By Colin the Cosmic Cockerel.
ARIES. You will be run over by a golf buggy driven by a blind alcoholic 96 year old and killed.
TAURUS. An eagle will take your pet cat.
GEMINI. Your partner will donate you golf clubs to a charity shop while you are out.
CANCER. Sorry the clues in the name.
LEO. You will be struck by lightning on the 13th green
VIRGO. Your wife will catch you enjoying two birdies and divorce you.
LIBRA. At 3.15 you will momentarily be confused about your sexuality and buy a pink golfing outfit.
SCORPIO. You will receive some good news in the post, and then realize it was addressed to your neighbour.
SAGITTERIUS. A giant Albatross will crap on you.
CAPRICORN. You will be overcome by the sheer monotony and futility of golf and end it all while watching an old video of A round with Allis.
AQUARIOUS. Diarrhoea will strike while you are just about to complete your best round ever.
PISCES. Nothing at all of any importance will happen to you this week, nothing absolutely nothing at all.