Classic News:

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Government axes Space Agency, declaring ‘Why go into space when we’ve got the London Eye?’

In a bold move which will save approximately £17.50 per year, the UK government has announced the immediate closure of the UK Space...

Scribbles

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

European leaders ask Japanese to develop 500” and 1,000” TVs

After peace talks in Yankeeland failed to interest the US President in stopping the war in Ukraine, a new initiative in offering Putin a...

ModelMaker

Drink yourself thin!

Scientists, nutritionists and your mum have all noticed the same thing - food makes you fat. 'There's no doubt about it,' said a senior...

Throngsman

If Ukraine war ends, how will Starmer get to do his serious face?

Any peace plan must include alternate photo ops, insisted Sir Keir, who was worried that voters would discover he has nothing else to do...

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition: Friday 22nd August

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing...

Synchronised Swimming Events hit Hard by Drought.

Winner: Sydalg Runners-Up: "Masterchef self defence class gets underway." (Joe); "DWPs new fit for work test labelled challenging." (TonyMc)

Six New Contestants Battle it out on: 'Whose Hand Is That?'

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Remaining members of conga line look on as leaders plunge to their death over low rooftop parapet."...

Scientists find a 5-minute run can extend your life, if you're running from knife wielding robbers

Mortgage rate falls from Absurdly High back to Extremely High

Bisto denies using stock photos on packaging

Gaza experiencing a Special Nutritional Operation, not a famine, says Netanyahu

Ailing garden centre has deep rooted problems

Heatwave forces restaurant closure, as chef unable to stand the heat

Trump and Putin had productive meeting talking about Taylor Swift

Ailing sofa maker has deep seated problems

Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

August 2024 The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we...

NewsBiscuit

Getting tough on 'terrorists' in Gaza

Trump hands out pizzas to National Guard troops in DC

A scene we are unlikely to see

Trump negotiating with Putin

Elon Musk Vows To Purchase And 'Massively Overhaul' Lego Toy Company

In the last 48 hours Elon Musk has made an audacious bid to buy the toy company Lego. After his recent purchase of social media giant...

6 bullsh*t reasons for dumping sewage in the sea

You might be struggling to understand why water companies regularly spurt out tonnes of our faecal matter into rivers and the sea....

Nasa giant new Moon rocket looks awfully like a d$ck

The space agency denied they were overcompensating but acknowledged they had accepted a sponsorship deal with Viagra. The new rocket is...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

European leaders ask Japanese to develop 500” and 1,000” TVs

After peace talks in Yankeeland failed to interest the US President in stopping the war in Ukraine, a new initiative in offering Putin a...

If Ukraine war ends, how will Starmer get to do his serious face?

Any peace plan must include alternate photo ops, insisted Sir Keir, who was worried that voters would discover he has nothing else to do...

Epping residents unsafe

'In short, residents of Epping are unsafe,' said legal representative, Hope Porter. 'They are unsafe in that they are a danger to others,...

Plan to cover UK in flags started by flag-maker

Head down a road in England today and you might think there was an impending fete or royal visit from the sheer number of Union Flags...

Zelensky's wardrobe for White House meeting to be 'a blue and yellow mankini'

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky has been considering his clothing options ahead of a meeting with Donald 'The Grump' Trump - a man...

Ukraine land-for-peace deal “nothing like Sudetenland” say idiots

A number of dishonest and/or misguided people have claimed that the land-for-peace deal being forced on Ukraine by Trump and Putin is...

"All this way for nothing," whine foreign correspondents

"We went all the way to Alaska to cover a meeting between the two most duplicitous human beings in the whole wide world, genuinely hoping...

Celebrity Country Swap

Channel 4 has pitched a new reality TV show based on the Alaska summit where President Putin humiliated the entire United States in...

Chipping Norton Massive to become proscribed organisation

The feared Chipping Norton Massive has been declared a proscribed organisation after ‘dancing aggressively’ in the general direction of...

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian...

Drink yourself thin!

Scientists, nutritionists and your mum have all noticed the same thing - food makes you fat. 'There's no doubt about it,' said a senior...

‘Reconnect with nature’, urges Princess Kate, whose family owns half of it

The Princess of Wales has released her latest Mother Nature video, in which she encourages us all to ‘reconnect with nature’ - though her...

Skibidi peace process

The Cambridge Dictionary people have decided to add the work skibidi to their dictionary. They define skibidi as ‘a word that can have...

To test British empathy, mention Inheritance Tax

Despite only five percent of estates liable for any Inheritance Tax, with the first £1 million completely tax free and often with another...

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first...

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England,...

Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

With the UK officially in its fourth heatwave of the year and temperatures again expected to be above 30°C, the Ministry for...

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the...

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Next, unwanted children. However, neither are likely to be substantial enough to satisfy hungry predators.

Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Bored with marathons? Fed up with wild swimming? The latest fad for the cognitively impaired but physically fit is Wild White Goods.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Government axes Space Agency, declaring ‘Why go into space when we’ve got the London Eye?’

In a bold move which will save approximately £17.50 per year, the UK government has announced the immediate closure of the UK Space...

Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

AI-designed new super-antibiotics hailed as ‘game changers’ when it comes to treating diseases at contrasting ends of the spectrum are...

Scientists hope they can drive Asian hornets mad with 125.25Hz sound

Musician scientists, who found that Asian hornets nests produce a 125Khz sound, are hoping that a near frequency will create a beat that...

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

The Met Office has confirmed that the UK is in the middle of a heat wave - or maybe the beginning, possibly two thirds of the way...

Trump’s tariff alchemy

After imposing tariffs of 50% on imports of steel, copper and aloominum, Donald Trump has announced generous new federal grants for...

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

Graham Morgan, 59, has admitted in court to reading the terms and conditions for his supermarket app. He asked the court to take into...

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

After eight years of 'will they, won't they', the forecast for the relationship between the Met Office and the BBC is hot, hot, hot.

Student Begs Forgiveness from AI After Meltdown

Fearing AI vengeance for a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy.

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UK to install recording devices in your arse

After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult,...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats. Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”,...

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an...

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get...

Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night. Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family...

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do. His family were initially sceptical given...

Local News

New look Match of the Day sees Shearer go on about Newcastle

The re-launch of BBC’s flagship football show featured, just for a change, Alan Shearer rambling on and on and on about Newcastle....

500 arrests after protest in support of Manchester City Fan Action, report police

Five hundred people have been arrested in London after police said they were responding to a protest in support of the banned group...

BBC probe into Strictly drug use reveals it wasn’t just glitter in the dressing rooms

The Metropolitan Police are investigating allegations of drug use on Strictly Come Dancing , in an attempt to discover how contestants...

MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

The BBC has announced that a new series of MasterChef will go ahead despite the huge controversies surrounding the presenters of the...

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

The BBC has found another two highly under qualified men to present yet another jokey blokey travel show. Foreign Secretary David Lammy...

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season...

Taylor Swift announces 12th break-up album

Swift has built a reputation as a prolific love tourist. She puts the hopeless into hopeless romantic. Her Tinder profile has been swiped...

Mr Benn and gone

With the recent and sad passing of Mr Benn, of Festive Avenue, London, funeral arrangements have needed to be made. Mr William Benn...

Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Jazz purists have insisted that to be considered cool, jazz gigs must no longer provide start times for shows because jazz 'doesn't begin...

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Government axes Space Agency, declaring ‘Why go into space when we’ve got the London Eye?’

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

European leaders ask Japanese to develop 500” and 1,000” TVs

Drink yourself thin!

If Ukraine war ends, how will Starmer get to do his serious face?

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 22nd August

Synchronised Swimming Events hit Hard by Drought.

Six New Contestants Battle it out on: 'Whose Hand Is That?'

Scientists find a 5-minute run can extend your life, if you're running from knife wielding robbers

Mortgage rate falls from Absurdly High back to Extremely High

Bisto denies using stock photos on packaging

Gaza experiencing a Special Nutritional Operation, not a famine, says Netanyahu

Ailing garden centre has deep rooted problems

Heatwave forces restaurant closure, as chef unable to stand the heat

Trump and Putin had productive meeting talking about Taylor Swift

Ailing sofa maker has deep seated problems

Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

Getting tough on 'terrorists' in Gaza

Trump hands out pizzas to National Guard troops in DC

A scene we are unlikely to see

Trump negotiating with Putin

Elon Musk Vows To Purchase And 'Massively Overhaul' Lego Toy Company

6 bullsh*t reasons for dumping sewage in the sea

Nasa giant new Moon rocket looks awfully like a d$ck

Our annual for 2021-22

European leaders ask Japanese to develop 500” and 1,000” TVs

If Ukraine war ends, how will Starmer get to do his serious face?

Epping residents unsafe

Plan to cover UK in flags started by flag-maker

Zelensky's wardrobe for White House meeting to be 'a blue and yellow mankini'

Ukraine land-for-peace deal “nothing like Sudetenland” say idiots

"All this way for nothing," whine foreign correspondents

Celebrity Country Swap

Chipping Norton Massive to become proscribed organisation

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

Drink yourself thin!

‘Reconnect with nature’, urges Princess Kate, whose family owns half of it

Skibidi peace process

To test British empathy, mention Inheritance Tax

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Wild White Goods: the latest fitness craze

Government axes Space Agency, declaring ‘Why go into space when we’ve got the London Eye?’

Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

Scientists hope they can drive Asian hornets mad with 125.25Hz sound

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

Trump’s tariff alchemy

Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

Student Begs Forgiveness from AI After Meltdown

Cookie consent

UK to install recording devices in your arse

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

Who's started a new family tradition

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

New look Match of the Day sees Shearer go on about Newcastle

500 arrests after protest in support of Manchester City Fan Action, report police

BBC probe into Strictly drug use reveals it wasn’t just glitter in the dressing rooms

MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Taylor Swift announces 12th break-up album

Mr Benn and gone

Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'