Following the appearance of the “Kia Provo” at a motor show in Italy, we are proud to present an exclusive review of the entire 2013 Kia range.
The hatchback of the range is at first glance unexceptional: five doors, five seats plus space for a hostage in the boot. On the plus side, we did like the glass floor for easy checking for semtex devices. The heating system was woeful, however, and the manufacturer’s offer of a free balaclava with every vehicle is simply not enough to compensate. We recommend decomissioning.
A rather pedestrian machine, the Paisley people carrier is at least spacious, well armoured and the ultra-loud horn has at last been turned down a little. However, some problems remain: all models still feature the alarm that booms “not an inch” at 120 decibels every time you reverse, and the car is only available in orange.
The updated Jihad comes with maps of Syria preloaded onto the satnav, although favourites of yesteryear such as Iraq, London and New York are still available. Four wheel drive ensures it blends in effortlessly in either the desert or the big city. However our testers report that it is a nightmare for women drivers, and we found the automatic cry of “allahuh akbar” everytime we drove down a sliproad onto a motorway somewhat unnerving.
Kia Shock and Awe
A radical departure for a car manufacturer, the Shock and Awe is an unmanned drone cruising at 15,000 feet with multiple air-to-ground missiles and an enormous magnifying glass for all that scary spy-plane “they can see you reading the paper in your back garden” stuff you’ve read about on the internet. Optional extras include a leather joystick control and nuclear warheads. Not very practical for popping down the shops, but essential if you’re trying to outspend China in the global arms race.