Alarms bells were ringing all over the Catholic world tonight as rumours that Pope Francis 1st was actually the runner-up.
Pope Francis - Looking rather smug
Our roving reporter uncovered the story as he hung around at the Vatican delivery entrance, hoping for a few quick words with some post-party Cardinals. Sure enough, our reporter's luck was in when an Irish Cardinal came out of the door, staggering slightly and cuddling a bottle of finest Vatican wine.
When asked about the election he replied, "It's a feckin fix! After two days of plying each other with expensive drink, we finally got down to a fifty-fifty vote and at long last we had a winner.", burped the rosey-cheeked cardinal. "We had our winner. He was twenty years younger than Francis for a start...Francis? What kind of feckin name is Francis? (Burp!)"
"So we're set for the big show, and just as the curtain is ready, the old fart runs up, grabs the hat and jumps out in front of the crowd! There was feck all we could do to stop him, and now we can hardly say anything about it. The old bugger is just sick as feck that he lost the vote twice. The great thing is, being 76, he'll be out to lunch before 2020 with any luck. Got any kebabs?"
We haven't had any other source to confirm this claim as yet, and Vatican spokespeople laughed off the rumour, but the bouncer on the door informed us that he was told to give our talkative theologian a 'good kicking' if he returns.