Former Secretary of State and TV celebrity Michael Portillo today embarked on a tour of Britain’s knocking shops for a new series that is to be broadcast on BBC2 this summer.
Unlike his previous journeys, which borrowed heavily from the work of George Bradshaw’s Railway Guide, Portillo will this time be relying on the 1996 edition of McCoy's British Massage Parlour Guide, which describes in some detail the sexual services that may be purchased up and down the length of the country.
Portillo explained that his hugely successful travel ventures have grown a little stale of late, and wants to ‘chuck his muck’ to spice things up a little. ‘Modern viewers are beginning to see through Bradshaw’s thinly veiled itinerary of British prozzers and want to see the real deal,’ he explained. ‘When I’m stuffing Candy of Milton Keynes, there will be little doubt that I won’t actually be touring a confectionary business somewhere in the home counties.’
Producers have yet to decide on a title for the new series, but Portillo thinks that Great British Shags is in with a fighting chance. The opening credits will feature close-ups of a sweaty Portillo fingering his well-thumbed travel companion, before slipping on a gimp mask and popping a blue tablet through the zippered mouth.
The new show comes after an abortive attempt to bring I Couldn’t Give a Shit to the small screen, where the same presenter regularly suffers severe constipation after having eating some merciless pastry item from the Network South East buffet bar, followed by an all-expenses-paid trip to Thailand, where an unlucky Ladyboy sorts out the problem.