Oldham, a small, unpleasant town in Lancashire whose principal exports are black puddings, pissheads and paedophiles, is to be demolished, says a government spokesman today, as a warning to other small, unpleasant towns to ‘buck their ideas up’.
‘The town has under-performed for years’, insists Barry Nelson, Chief Planning Officer of Lancashire County Council, 'from being a small, unpleasant town that was overly-reliant on the cotton trade to the cess-pit we see today, town-twinned with Gomorrah. If Oldham was a person, it would be homeless, incontinent and living under a bridge’.
Valued as ‘worthless‘ by the town planners of East Lancashire, Oldham will be dismantled and the bricks sold on eBay as individual lots. ‘The locals probably won’t even notice’, said Mr Nelson, ‘since they’re drunk most of the time’.
Asked if he would notice his home town being razed to the ground, Arthur Clitheroe, a local man, said ‘Have you got any loose change?’, insisting that he was saving up to buy a ticket for the opera, and had no plans to spend the money on a can of strong cider or to drink it in the park...