Chris Huhne is to launch an audacious escape bid from Wandsworth prison after finding living conditions inside less than satisfactory.
The disgraced MP had originally expected a five star hotel but a brief introductory tour of his wing confronted him with the grim reality of a 3-star Belgian Ibis.
The fifty-something boy racer fears his celebrity, pert arse and boyish good looks make him an attractive target for other cons and will attempt to break out before someone breaks in.
Huhne’s idea for a series of tunnels was spawned when he discovered a loose brick behind Sam Fox poster put up by a previous inmate.
And the former Energy Secretary expects to receive help from cellmate Colin Blythe, 40, a blind ornithologist serving two years for forgery.
Among his grievances is a lack of visitors and access to literature, briefly remedied when Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith popped by with a copy of Mein Kampf, which IDS claimed was ‘unputdownable’.
In a sign of his increasing desperation, Huhne has been placed on suicide watch after noticing his prison-issue chess set was missing a bishop, meaning he has absolutely no prospect whatsoever of fianchettoing on the g2 square in the next four months.
Blythe said ‘He intends to name each of the tunnels after his mistresses, but I’ve seen the plans for “Carina” and it’s going to bring him out in the middle of a Tesco Homebase. He’d better hope they’re not busy.’
For his bid to succeed Huhne will need to rely on former political friends, many of whom have deserted him. But one name he can count on is that of Danny ‘The Rodent’ Alexander.
‘That slag owes me big,’ said Huhne ‘He’ll be providing the getaway car - then it’s foot down on the accelerator and away from here as quickly as possible while respecting the speed limit at all times.’
‘He was a shoe-in really,’ Huhne added . ‘I needed someone I could trust with a clean driving licence’