Going into an unnecessary meltdown over the Eastleigh by-election? Not too keen on that Cameron fellow? Planning a pointless and regrettable lurch to the right? Then we have just the thing for you.
We, at KneeJerk IT Solutions, are proud to present ASHOLE (Automated, Shameless, Holistic, Oratory and Leadership Enabler) a sophisticated, automated speech generating tool for the Cabinet Minister desperate to make a pre-emptive and futile pitch for a leadership battle that hasn’t even started yet.
Simply select from one of four settings, Notting Hill Moderniser, Token Power Dressing Upper Middle Class Woman, Swivel Eyed Right Wing Nutjob or Michael Gove and within ten minutes ASHOLE will provide you with a rousing, barnstorming speech, leaving you with precious free time to perfect those emotive hand gestures, or pick out that perfect pair of leopard print kitten heals.
Your speech is guaranteed to have the faithful cheering from the rafters (not guaranteed) and will almost certainly put you in pole position to lead the party at some vague, unspecified point in the future (again, not guaranteed.)
Written in Amstrad BASIC, and completely incompatible with anything modern, ASHOLE is the ideal piece of software for the contemporary, ambitious and frankly deluded Tory on the go.
But don’t just take our word for it. Check out what some of our many satisfied customers have said.
‘Fantastic.’ (TM – Maidenhead)
‘Just what every special adviser needs!’ (AW – Definitely not a special adviser to LF)
‘Superb Stuff. Now where’s that Prawn Biryani you promised me.’ (EP – Ongar)
About the developer:
Bernard Maxwell is an award winning (40m Breaststroke, Loughborough Primary, 1963) software engineer who has written over 8 computer programs, most of which crashed after spending an inordinate amount of time loading. Largely discredited and widely reviled within the industry, Bernard is the author of such computing books as ‘The Internet – How it will never catch on’ and ‘Sir Clive Sinclair – Visionary and Love God.’ Before joining KneeJerk, he was the Lead Programmer on the NHS National Database.