Guantanamo Bay interrogators have successfully helped a shortsighted Shropshire man prepare for a visit to the optician.
Roger Craze (65) from Ludlow said as the date for his biennial eye sight test approached he contacted Guantanamo Bay because his last visit to the optician had ended disastrously.
'If I could dispense with an optician I would,' he said.
'The test was a terrible experience and I finished a nervous wreck with a pair of glasses so bad I couldn't even read the price tag on them (£350.02). 'So, I thought, next time I'm going prepared and Guantanamo were the obvious people to help.'
'Sensory deprivation is as much our business our as any optician's,' said top Guantanamo interrogator Budd X (not his real name).
'After plunging the room into darkness, we got up real close to Mr Craze (real name, if strange). Shining powerful lights into his eyes, breathing bad breath over him shipped from the US inside my own body, and followed by the puffed air into the eyes torture, we finally had him wear humiliatingly large goggles.
'You could see the guy cracking under the strain. It was a pathetic sight to see (if you could see in the dark). And, dammit, we hadn't even started on the A to Z interrogation.'
Mr Craze said the worst part of the experience was the relentless questioning about the letters of the alphabet.
'These guys are just trying to catch you out,' he said.'And you start to make mistakes because they keep reducing the size of the letters. And all the time there's a guy in a white coat taking notes.
'Very soon I cried out that I couldn't take anymore so they plunged the room into daylight and said I needed a new prescription.'
Mr Craze (still his real name) has now almost got over his headaches and broken ribs; nightmares; hallucinations; double vision and a pathological aversion to orange jumpsuits and eyesight charts, and thinks the experience was well worthwhile.
And optician Dr Maxwell Long FBDO agreed Guantanamo Bay had helped prepare Mr Craze for his eyesight test.
'He was fine,' he said, 'It was only when I got to the waterboarding that things rather fell apart. But,then,at Guantanamo Bay they don't have an optician's licence to do that test, do they?'