Councillors up and down the country acted quickly to curb rumours that a national IT upgrade would lead to householders having up to 256 different wheelie bins on their property.
The rumours sparked a series of protests across the country, with many residents attacking bin men as they attempted to carry out their duties. One incident in particular left the crew in such a state that they have had to undergo counselling.
A witness later described the scene:
It was sickening. I was getting into my car and saw the bin men approach the building, when out of every door came groups of pensioners, all brandishing rolled up copies of the People's Friend. One lucky bloke made it back to the lorry, but I saw another get wedged into a corner by a zimmer, while two others repeatedly beat him over the head for about five minutes. He must have taken at least three hits.
A council spokesman later tried to assure residents that the wheelie bin rumours are completely outlandish.
There's absolutely no truth in any of it. Some idiot mentioned that with the council computer monitors changing from 8 colours to 256 colours, the wheelie bin planner would have 248 more colours to choose from, and it went from there.
I can assure you that the wheelie bin planner has always used his fingers and thumbs to count the wheelie bin range, and loses count after eight.
We tried to get another side of the story, but there was a pensioners' two-course meal for a fiver on at the local pub, so none were available.