In a heart-rending interview, Nigella Farage broke down claiming that media mogul Rupert Murdoch had 'taken advantage' of her and left the UKIP leader 'holding our baby'.
Standing on the bridge at midnight, suckling her newborn baby and recounting a sorry tale, Nigella is a pathetic sight.
"Rupert's a remarkable bloke, a charmer, but a right bastard." she says.
"Over a romantic candlelit dinner at my flat he wooed me with talk of Europe. He suggested 'getting into bed' with UKIP, me in particular, and promised he'd 'pull out'."
"What's a girl supposed to do? I was flattered and couldn't resist," whispers Farage, eyes misting over.
"Rupert used me and then, just as he did to that poor cow Major years ago, left me holding our little baby, Stigma."
Nigella with Stigma
Mumbling through the tears, Nigella continues stoically, "One crumb of comfort is that he hasn't gone back to that bitch Cameron, but copped off with that other blonde tart Borissa."
"Well, I hope he's happy now," she sobs, as the voracious homunculus sinks its gums into her other wizened teat. "He's off with another conquest and I'm stuck here with a lifetime of Stigma."
"It's the same the whole world over. It's the rich what gets the pleasure, the poor what gets the blame. Ain't it all a -"
She breaks down before she can finish her sentence. Another willing victim of Murdoch's insatiable appetite.
Second crack at the story.