Labour's latest policy review has revealed that if elected in 2015, they will introduce stealth taxes on Wealth and Health. Known as the "I'm Doing Fine" fine, it aims to target those in the community who have obviously been far too lucky in life.
An informed source confided,
Well we've tried taxing people for having lots of money and the bastards just leave the country, so now we're targeting people who have been too fortunate by half. It's an amazing idea, as no one knows they are lucky until they get the letter. So no one will think to leave until it's too late.
The added bonus is that while we have been looking to tax the unhealthy, such as smokers, drinkers, chocolate eaters, fizzy drink drinkers and basically anyone with with a BMI of more than 0.01% above normal, this new tax focuses more on those selfish, tax avoiding healthy folks, who are obviously too smug by half.
There are no firm figures as yet, but based on preliminary estimates, some of the tax thresholds will be:
Anyone earning 10% above minimum wage;
Anyone with property holdings over £1.83;
Anyone with excellent teeth and a haircut that behaves;
Anyone with no physical issues whatsoever;
Anyone with a car which is less than five years old, that doesn't run on chip fat or has wheels bigger than 14 inches.
Exemptions will include:
Council tenants with no job or savings;
MPs (apparently inclusion might make them biased on the issue);
People who drive those little box cars that look like a block of cheese on wheels.
We tried to get in touch with Labour HQ, but they were unavailable for comment. They did manage to leave some files on a park bench for us to read, but unfortunately they were marked "Most Secret" and had nothing to do with this article.