Vegetarians were shocked today to discover that a supermarket 'mushroom' lasagne contained traces of potato DNA.
"I'd been really enjoying the horsemeat scandal" said smug vegan Arthur Bottleneck. "I earn a really low wage and drive an old Fiesta, so it was nice to feel superior for a change. I'd made a collage of all the best horsemeat headlines and stuck them over my computer. Now I just feel silly".
Scottish Food Minister Jim McTavish responded to the scandal by asking the food industry to " . .end these dangerous experiments with vegetation". He continued : "If vegetarian meals can be contaminated with potato, what's to stop real meals being contaminated with, I dunno, fresh fruit? It disnae bear thinking aboot"