'You see that ivy (Hedera helix) over there? If the prince was to stand next to it, it'd be up his trouser leg in a jiffy to invade his genitals and squeeze his Royal balls off. Nature's had enough of his blathering and is ready to strike back,' says nature reserve warden, Norman Morgan.
Nature lovers say 'there's been a stirring in the undergrowth' for a while about Prince Charles' dabbling in nature, and his latest pronouncement on the BBC that we must 'work in harmony with nature' is the last straw for many members of the Plant Kingdom.
Although it's well-known that Charles talks to plants ('boring the rhizomes off them' according to Mr Morgan) it's also a fact that they sometimes talk back.
Prince Charles told BBC One's Countryfile programme that we should 'pay our respect and reverence to nature, she's a great deal more powerful than we are'.
(Rumblings of 'bollocks' in the jungle).
Mr Morgan said:
'You see that Venus flytrap (Dionaea muscipula) over there? If the prince was to go within a Royal foot of it, it'd have him for dinner, Royal or no Royal. That's the power of nature for you.'
Mr Morgan added that many plants were 'spitting sap' at being represented by Prince Charles.
'They'd like someone more attractive - like a sane Bridget Bardot with a full head of hair. If they weren't already green, they'd be green with envy seeing how some sexy celebrities represent animals.'
Buckingham Palace has dismissed rumours that Charles now has a 'green bodyguard' to protect him against assassination by Plant Kingdom extremists such as the notorious Leguminosae family who would like to see the prince trodden in as rich compost.
He told Countryfile:
'Rather like some people need a cigarette, I need a walk. I spend my life stamping about and I have things I write down - that's where the best thoughts come from.'
'You see that deep treacherous peat bog over there ...' said Norman Morgan.