An unholy row has erupted at the Vatican over the placement of the temporary chimney used in the election of a new Pope. At a press conference Cardinal Ignatius Firestarta said "It appears that a mistake was made by the builders and a Retired Nun awoke yesterday to find workmen in her room and a big hole in the roof. Despite her protestations they installed a wood-burning stove on her bed and left claiming they were only following orders and there was nothing more they could do".
The builders - Donatella Anyoneapayyacash and Michelangelo Itsamyboata told our reporter that they had been given plans and told to use a laser measure to get an exact distance from one end of the building while out on the roof and make a hole through it. They claim they did exactly that and are puzzled by the error. "We getta the most laser measurer we know - olda Bertola - he very laser" said Mr Anyoneapayyacash "and he maybe get it wrong I dunno".
Due to complicated tradition and rules the chimney can't be moved so the Retired Nun - a ms Sophia Berlusconi (72) will have to live with it. "I ama incensed" she said "Or ata least I would be if the draught didn't keep putting it out. They wanna me make tea and cakes for alla de priests crowding ina here ana stoka de fire too - also put onna white blanket ora oily rags at end fora de coloured smoke. I would resign except ia retired so issa nogood".
