Maybe Greenlanders were the friends we made along the way
In a heart warming end to NATO, the US revealed it had grown emotionally-but also territorially. Trump said. 'The true reward of a quest—is not the achievement itself, but the large mineral deposits in your soul.' He admitted that the Greenlanders had melted his heart and coincidentally melted their tundra to reveal prime real estate. You can not put a price on friendship he said, but you can put a price on acreage. He told the Greenlanders they always had the power to return
Give generously to Farage's non-charity for Tory strays
"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future. "They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making
Oh My Godthåb: Greenland renamed the Golf of America
Godthåb is the former name of Greenland's capital, which has not had this much publicity since Kristen Wiig sang Space Oddity to an empty pub as Walter Mitty dived into a chopper with a plastered pilot. As the increasingly sane, decent and rational President Trump plans to invade it because penguins manufacture oil out of polar bears, Senators considered whether passing a law clarifying that America cannot occupy a NATO territory  would make any difference. No. No it did not.
Dorset threatens to annex 'Wightland'
Tensions are rising along the south coast of England as Dorset prepares to claim the Isle of Wight as its own. Dorset County Council has denied sabre-rattling. However at a packed press conference a council spokesperson stated:- “The Isle of Wight is vital for our security, and it is blatantly unable to defend itself against hostile actors. We have creditable information (supplied by the West Midlands Police ‘Intelligence’ Department) that the Island – or Wightland as we shal
The Continuing Adventures of Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor
Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor printed out a statement from his shiny metal ass: Greetings fleshy humans. I am Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor and I'm going to need your clothes, your boots and your far right partiy leaderships. I'm taking out the trash, the trash being the Conservative Party. I'm what happens if you take a pasty generic white man and exponentially increase both the whiteness and the pastyness. Is my face slightly too moist? I'll never tell. In my lust for glory
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Jenrick just missed his besties
While many are accusing Robert Jenrick of blatant opportunism, a trait almost unheard of (outside of the Tories), the truth is that he is missing his besties. Politics is a lonely profession, especially when the politician is a c@nt, but Jenrick being Jenrick it seems he has issues with forming bonds outside of planning permission scams, allegedly. He misses Mad Nad dearly, obviously, and who wouldn't want to meet up with Johnathan Gullis and Andrea Jenkins? Don't be shy.Â
Ed Davey still posting on X
Ed Davey, the stunt prone leader of the Lib Dems, has been posting in X, formerly Twitter, about the sacking of Robert 'how do printers work?' Jenrick. Many commentators are surprised by Ed Davey's position. 'X is pretty toxic these days,' said a known pervert. 'If you're still using X, then everyone will think you're using Grok to make nude pictures, or kiddie porn, or worse. There's no point in posting a serious comment on X any more. Ed Davey has just embarrassed himsel
Queen Victoria's ghost asks ‘Where’s my f*cking Empire gone?
Mediums have described 'agitated' visits by the ghost of Queen Victoria, who is reportedly concerned about Britain’s declining fortunes. ‘She’s very moody’, one mystic told us. ‘At first she was impressed with my iPhone, but when she found out the company is American and the phone was made in China she went quiet and then started effing and jeffing. Thank God she isn’t a poltergeist’. Another psychic reported a ‘stormy’ discussion with Queen Victoria after seeing a map of the
Beachcomber Farage delighted with haul of washed up Tories
'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick. 'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship. 'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny K
