In a heart-rending interview, UKIP leader Nigel Farage broke down claiming that media mogul Rupert Murdoch had 'taken advantage' and left him 'holding our baby'.
Sitting in a dimly lit cold bed-sit breastfeeding a mewling baby and recounting a sorry tale, Nigel is a piteous sight.
"Rupert's a remarkable bloke, a charmer, but a right bastard." he says.
"Over a romantic candlelit dinner at my flat he suggested getting into bed with UKIP. And specifically, me."
"I couldn't resist," whispers Farage, lashes fluttering, eyes misting over.
"As he did with that poor cow Major, he promised me the world, then took advantage and has left me holding little baby Stigma."
Nigel and Stigma
"One crumb of comfort is that he hasn't gone back to that bitch Cameron but copped off with blonde floozy Boris."
"Well, I hope he's happy now," he sobs, as the voracious baby sinks its gums into Nigel's other wizened teat.
"It's the same the whole world over y'know. The poor get the blame while the rich get the pleasure."
"What a fucking shame."