What is the purpose?
The main purpose of gardening is the avoidance of grief for the garden looking a mess. This breaks down into two forms of nagging. Firstly, grief for the front garden looking so much worse than next door’s, where the occupants are retired and spend all their time (and all their kids’ inheritance) on making their front garden look like something out of Ground Force. And secondly, grief for the back garden not being an attractive place to lie in on the rare occasions when the weather is suitably warm and sunny.
When should I do it?
The best time to do gardening is when she wants to lie down in the garden because the weather is suitably warm and sunny. Breaking out the power tools and other noisy electrical equipment to disturb the peace and quiet of a lazy Sunday afternoon in the sunshine can be a real pleasure.
What does it involve?
There are lots of aspects to gardening but going berserk for an hour or two with a chainsaw and a hedge trimmer makes a real difference to a garden. Trees, hedges and bushes all benefit from ‘regular pruning’ as professional gardeners call it, although ‘annual indiscriminate mutilation’ would perhaps be more accurate for most of us.
How often should I mow the lawn?
On average, about once every three nags. There is quite an overhead in getting the mower out, finding that it’s completely bunged up, taking it to bits on the kitchen table, spraying everything with WD-40 and then reassembling it, so it’s best to wait until you have a decent depth of grass to cut to make all that effort worthwhile.
What's weeding all about?
Weeding is the removal of the undesirable parts of the plant kingdom from your garden – the horticultural equivalent of ethnic cleansing. Weeds are scum that must be attacked mercilessly with spades and weedkiller sprays. No chemical has yet been invented that is too evil to be used on weeds, even if it risks the health of your children and pets.
How can I tell if it’s a weed or a flower?
You can’t. Flowers are divided into two groups: daffodils and not-daffodils. If it doesn’t look like a daffodil, it could be a weed so lay waste to it, just to be on the safe side. The bastard thing will only grow again anyway, just like the lawn you’ve just mown and all the other plants you’ve just cut down to size.
So are you telling me that gardening is a total waste of time?