Researchers caused jubilation and wild street-parties across the North today, when it was announced that out of every thirty premature deaths, only one was anything to do with eating a pie, bacon or a sausage.
In Lancashire, where the average age at death is 37, premature death is regarded as ‘not quite 20' or 'just before the fifth child,’ whichever comes sooner.
Professor Brian Ginster, of the food epidemiology department of the University of the Wirral, said, ‘up here, the chances of dying of a processed food related condition are actually vanishingly small. It’s the fags, booze, heroin, joy-riders and the sheer relentless misery of being Northern that causes most premature deaths. Eating the food may just be the only way out for some desperate individuals.”
The health secretary is reported to be looking at ways of increasing the availability of Greggs sausage rolls for pensioners.
