Chaos descended in the city of Manchester as the theatre of dreams (or should that be nightmares) witnessed a footballing injury that caused many hardened supporters to turn away in shock horror.
A game with all the excitement of watching chess suddenly sparked into life as former Manchester United player and now Real Madrid golden (literally) boy Ronaldo was cut down in full flow having tripped over the dummy that Sir Alex Ferguson spat from his mouth. Taking his legs from under him Ronaldo hit the ground to the accompanying intake of breathe from the disbelieving crowd. How could the man with the fastest feet in world football be victim to such an unprovoked assault? How could the man with jaws of steel,from 24/7 chewing gum,lose his cool yet again in such a fashion?
As the team of paramedics, hairdressers, fake tan experts, orthodontists and fashion photographers all gathered round the stricken Ronaldo, the world of glamour football held its breath. Stretched off the field covered only by cashmere Luis Vitton shawl Ronaldo managed only the briefest of winks to the camera before disappearing down the tunnel. Latest reports indicate Ronaldo is currently undergoing surgery in an attempt to save his hairstyle. Hope for rescuing his tan, which appeared to have sustained marked streaking and discolouration, were not looking so good.
By the end of the evening having deposited the entire contents of his pram on the field...rattle, bottle, comfort blanket, Wayne Rooney doll, the playing surface at Old Trafford resembled a cross between a branch of Mothercare and a First World War battle field such was the number of casualties. Yet despite Real Madrid being reduced to three men, Manchester united could not score, not even with the assistance of Ryan “1000 notches on my bedpost Giggs” in the team.
Unable and unwilling to give a statement to the worlds press, attempts were made to record a still furious Scotsman through the walls of the dressing room shouting “it’s just not fair, I want my Nanny". Unconfirmed reports suggest that the decease in audio quality on this recording may have been caused by the excessive use of a hairdrier.