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1. 

   Jammydodgers
   

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   You know those announcements you here in plummy voices in adverts and TV programs?
   Is there some comedy value in decoding them into plain english?

   For example (to get yez started)...

   <Harrowing documentary airs...
   <titles roll...
   <cue continuity voice over...
   "If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in tonights program, further information and support is available by calling 08xxxxxxxx.
   Calls are free from all landlines, but mobile operators may charge are c*nts"

   Posted 2 months ago #
2. 

   Titus
   

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   [added, through gritted teeth] "... Other providers are also available although you'd be a twat to consider using them."

   Posted 2 months ago #
3. 

   Jammydodgers
   

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   A decoding of the Recorded message which is played at you intermittently, when you are being telephonically lobbed about in the manner of a superfluous tennis ball that has strayed from the adjoining court in the middle of a setpoint service.

   Now, when transferring between the 2 completely different advisers that are - apparently - needed to populate your banks entirely separate 'Payment Prevention' and 'Fraud Authorisation' departments, wouldn't it be nice if, they actually said what we know they really mean, for once?:

   "We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls at present. Your call money is important to us although we couldn't give a flying f**k about customer service, but all of our advisors are busy have been made redundant at present, so please continue to hold because we are getting hefty kickbacks from your phone provider for the charges you are incurring, sucker! while we try to connect you your patience, or call back later when lines are less busy. just go away. We really don't care whether you live or die frankly. Oh, and don't forget to f**k yourself while you are about it."

   Posted 2 months ago #
4. 

   dvo4fun
   

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   Better out than in Jd?

   Posted 2 months ago #
5. 

   Titus
   

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   "... your call is really important to us, which is why we aren't bothering to answer it."

   Posted 2 months ago #
6. 

   Squudge
   

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   I rather love "If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in tonights programme.."
   particularly if it was an episode of Eastenders or similar

   I usually shout at the telly "why yes, yes I have, that episode was SHIT!!"
   <sprays food fragments>

   Posted 2 months ago #
7. 

   Titus
   

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   Never understood why anyone ever watches Eastenders. Full of nasty miserable shouty people who you would go out of your way to avoid in real life; why choose to spend time in their company in fiction?

   Posted 2 months ago #
8. 

   Squudge
   

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   It is indeed the dodgy kebab of light entertainment, but sometimes you can be round the houses of friends/family and caught in the crossfire of bad ents.

   I don't understand why anyone watches 'reality TV' either - or generally: Why has the human race evolved into dysfunctional shitheadery and petty trolls. Discuss.

   Posted 2 months ago #
9. 

   Titus
   

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   "Why has the human race evolved into dysfunctional shitheadery and petty trolls"

   Well obviously it's all due to the internet / Satan / TV / Rupert Murdoch / all those illegal immigrants / Multi-National Capitalist conspiracy / The Russians / Al Qaeda / food additives / the CIA / Margaret Thatcher / failing to lead a pure and righteous life in accordance with the teachings of Our Lord, innit.

   Posted 2 months ago #
10. 

    Squudge
    

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    I should apologise for deviating into such profundity on this thread

    inappropriate behaviour

    Posted 2 months ago #

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