The inaugural International Tourettes Convention in London came to a premature end when the lunch descended into chaos after an outbreak of pleasantries.
Convention organiser Mike Cunt said it was fucking disappointing that convention delegates would behave like fucking 40 year olds. “You’d think in this fucking day and age that people could resolve their fucking differences without resorting to polite language and pleasantries.”
The trouble started after a lively pre-lunch panel debate over whether “feck” was a swear word. “Things were going perfectly fucking vitriolicly” cursed Mr Cunt. “There were the usual fucking ripostes – one side said ‘of course feck is a fecking swear work’ while the other side replied ‘no it is fucking not’.”
Straight after the “feck” debate, London delegate Gavin Smith provocatively asked Pete McLeod from Glasgow to “pass the fecking salt”. Convention secretary Amy Cock recounted, “we all fucking waited hoping that Pete would reply ‘get it your fucking self, you lazy pile of cunting dollop’. But all he did was sit there looking calmer and calmer until he finally replied ‘certainly sir, pleased to be of assistance’ as he pushed the salt towards Gavin.”
“After that it was all fucking on” said Ms Cock. “Gavin couldn’t let it fucking go and replied ‘thank you very much’. Soon fucking everyone was ‘please-ing and thank you-ing’ all over the fucking place.”
Mr Cunt said the fucking Police were called but they could not stop things getting fucking physical. “People were fucking shaking each other’s hand and were fucking opening doors for one another. One delegate even went as fucking far as politely carrying another delegate’s luggage up 5 fucking flights of stairs to his room.”
Police Senior Sergeant Aland Meads confirmed they were called to the convention. “We were sickened with what we saw and heard – we haven’t seen such wanton politeness since the Olympics. And to go to a Tourettes Convention and not make a single arrest for offensive language was pretty fucking disappointing.”