Sources close to Chancellor George Osborne today sensationally confirmed the UK’s Trident defence programme will be scrapped with immediate effect in the upcoming budget to pay for road pothole repairs.
Due to dramatic pothole proliferation, tyre and suspension system companies have been doing bumper business recently and shares bounced up and down as traders sprang to absorb the shock announcement.
“It’s about blooming time” said a Blackburn resident “driving a car round here is like a cross between an obstacle course and the dodgems; on-roading is worse than off-roading. That Beatles song about there being 4,000 holes in Blackburn Lancashire is way off these days, more like 400,000.”
Mr Osborne believes the move will prove a vote-winner, creating more than 175,000 new jobs for unskilled workshy dolescum plebs for years to come, thus reducing the benefits bill significantly.
“That’s all very well” said one voter “but who will be able to afford to drive on these new smooth roads, what with the cost of petrol and insurance apart from Mr Osborne and his rich posh friends?”
In a bid to neutralise UKIP, Prime Minister David Cameron also announced the UK would be pulling out of Europe, allowing only skilled immigrants in and sending all unskilled, unemployed and undesirable migrants back home by Christmas.
“We will also be sending hampers worth £500 of seasonal British produce to every household in the land for Christmas” said Mr Cameron “let’s jolly well see what frog-face fruitcake Nigel Farage has to say about that, what what!”
Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls-Up said: “The sooner Labour is back in power to sort out the country like we did last time, the better.”